Thursday, November 11, 2010

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I could probably skip this one because I don't think I have any mortal enemies (that I know of), but I can think of one roommate that did make my life pretty miserable.

In college she and I roomed for one year in the dorm. It wasn't that bad. We got along pretty well. The only negative thing was that because she was the "dorm slut" we had drunk, horny guys knocking on our door at all hours of the night. But, I shrugged it off as a casualty of communal living.

The next year we decided we were going to move into an apartment with Handsome. It was messy from the start. When we started looking for apartments, she would refuse to go inside to check them out if she didn't think the cars in the parking lot were nice enough. If we did make it past the parking lot, she would find imaginary mold issues/leaky faucets/"loud environments" that she didn't think she could deal with.

We finally found something that all three of us mostly agreed on. It was a little steeper than Handsome and I were wanting to pay(unlike her, Mommy and Daddy weren't paying for our school/living arrangements), but we moved in anyway.

Immediately, it went from bad to worse. I don't know what happened to her over summer break, but she completely changed for the worse. Filthy clothes, dishes, school books everywhere. For some unknown reason, she would randomly use our bathroom even though she had one of her own.

Then she picked up a guy in a bar and brought him home for the night.

And left this perfect stranger a key to our apartment on the kitchen table with a note that said "Thanks, I enjoyed you". (To this day, it's an inside joke between Handsome and I when we're feeling particularly saucy. TMI, I know.)

Roommate went to class. When Handsome realized what was going on, he roused the sleeping guy and kicked him out of our apartment before we went to class. No way were we leaving while a perfect stranger was hanging out there.

Roommate started dating this guy. They broke the towel bar in the shower having VERY loud sex (of course Handsome and I had to pay for that to be replaced.) Loud sex was quite common in Roommate's room. The guy was always there. Always. No job, no where to go. Eating our food, sitting on our couch, watching our tv....

The final straw was when Handsome came home one night, opened the door, and the guy shot an (empty) paintball gun off in his face.

Handsome is a very tolerant man. He has to be to put up with me for 14+ years, but this was it. After a "discussion" with Roommate that ended in tears, she agreed to move out to the guy's apartment.

Her grades had been slipping and she was second guessing medical school so after a few months, she decided to move back home to the middle of Missouri and start over.

She was such a smart, beautiful girl, that I hope she figured it all out and has herself together now. Knowing her, she probably made it through her early 20's crisis a better person. Even though she made our lives hell for a semester, I do think about her from time to time and hope she's doing well....

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 7: Someone who has made my life worth living

Darling is obviously 6 yrs old now, but this is by far one of my favorite pictures of her when she was a new born. As you can tell, she has big, wide, curious eyes (a beautiful blue IRL) and just like she is gazing at the world in wonder here, she's taught me to do the same.

Over and over again in my life, she's taught me to stop, observe and just enjoy the world. (We HAVE to stop at every flower bouquet in the grocery store so she can "stop and smell the flowers".)

I've been through some really rough times in her 6 years of life, and even when I've been at my lowest, she's instinctively right there to cheer me up.

Day 6: Something I hope I never have to do

Bury my daughter or husband.

Simple as that.

No parent ever wants to face the possibility of having to bury their child. Recently, a younger friend of my husband's died in a one-car wreck when he wrapped his car around a tree. Seeing his parents trying to come to terms with the devastating loss of their 22 year old son sent shivers into my heart.

What would I do if I lost Darling? How could I possibly pull air into my lungs and put one foot in front of another each day? It seems impossible.

As for Handsome, I've already told him I plan on dying first. Watching my grandfather live the last 9 years without his best friend and how hard that has been on him helped me to make up my mind. Handsome's already told me that he will do his best.

I guess that's all I can ask for.....

Day 5: Something I hope to do in my life....

Oh so many things I would love to do in my life: visit Europe, pay off all my debts, meet Jon Hamm in person....

Probably one thing I could feasibly accomplish is a dream of mine since I was about 15. I would love to visit El Salvador on a missionary trip. I am Catholic but I wouldn't say that preaching to the masses is a particular goal of mine, but helping people who really need it and being able to go on a sort of spiritual quest would be.

I was raised to give my time and talent to those in need. Volunteerism ran very strong in my family and I'm trying to raise Darling to be the same way. It gets much harder to find time to volunteer for worthy causes as I get older, but it is something I'd like to set as a higher priority.

So why El Salvador?

When I was in high school, my parish began a sister community relationship with a village in El Salvador. I started researching the tumultuous history of the small Central American country and it's myriad of political coups and oppression. I also saw a very powerful movie about Archbishop Oscar Romero, titled "Romero" (starring the fabulous Raul Julia.) I was moved by real faith and belief in God and passive resistance against those (the government and church hierarchy) who were not champions of those who need help. I even considered joining the Peace Corps/lay religious group for a few years.

Service to those who need it seems to be a very good way to practice a belief in God. I go to Mass when I need to but it's always been easier to see God, the Great Spirit, whatever you want to call Him/It/She in other people.

I guess I'd really like to do a missionary trip to El Salvador so that for just a brief time, I can truly help someone who needs it and maybe learn something from them along the way.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 4: Something I Have To Forgive Someone Else For

I'm pretty sure that this is something that I'm going to struggle with my entire life. It's definitely the nail in the coffin for ever being able to have a decent relationship with my parents.

My grandmother, who I was very close to, died in 2001. Everyone who knew her knew she was dying. Except me.

I've blogged about this before, and you can read the post here.

This was my early post-college days and my life was pretty chaotic, but I usually called my grandparents at least once or twice a month. I only stopped because my mother told me that my Grandma was upset by my engagement to Handsome.

I should have known better. My mom has lied to me on several occassions in my life, but since we were trying to get along, I went along with her, figuring I would see Grandma in Oct. and be able to ask her about her feelings.

My father could have said something.
My 2 brothers could have said something.
My 2 sisters could have said something.

No one did, because no one in my immediate family has ever stood up to my mom. It's very frustrating.

In my mind, petty family squabbles should never come before a life and death situtation. You can't take back last chances to say good bye. I was robbed of being able to say good bye to someone who meant the world to me, a woman who was the example of the kind of mother I wanted to be.

I know I need to forgive my mom and the rest of my family, but this is probably the hardest thing for me to do. I'm still struggling with it 9 years later....

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 3: Something I Have to Forgive Myself For . . .

Wow. This is a very hard one. There are so many things that I need to forgive myself for. Probably the biggest is that I need to forgive myself for not being a perfect mother. Or even a better mother than I am.

I love Darling with my whole heart, but sometimes I feel that I'm a horrible mother. I know that lots of mothers feel this way, but because of my own relationship with my mother (VERY strict) I feel like I'm spastically over-indulgent/over-strict.

I don't feel like I have a good balance of when to be good time play around Mama and when to be strict, you have to do this for your own good Mama.

I need to forgive myself because it doesn't matter. I'm involved in her life and am not a "Go watch TV" kind of parent. We have a good relationship (even though she'll always pick Daddy over me...she's a definite Daddy's Girl) and we love each other desperately. I am able to recognize when I need to let up on the reins and most of the time when I need to pull them in.

So, you know what? I forgive myself (kind of almost).

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 2: Something I Love About Myself

This one is a bit easier....

I love the fact that I'm a generous person, almost to a fault. Even though it has gotten me in trouble in the past, if someone needs something from me, even if it's as simple as a shoulder to cry on, I've always gone out of my way to accomodate them. My time, my talent, my love and even sometimes my very scarce money, I can't say no to others. There are so many times in my life that I've benefitted from the generosity of others, that it just seems right to pay it forward.

The only down side to this is that sometimes I give too much of myself away and I get stressed out. Case in point was the last few weeks I've picked up A LOT of extra hours at the museum to relieve stress on our director. Even though I have a full time job and the regular load of part time museum stuff is plenty for me to handle, I took on just a bit too much on my plate. I'm exhausted this week, but I'm glad I was able to help out.

I'd rather always give too much and not enough....and I wouldn't change it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day One: Something I Hate About Myself

So, in order to kind of kick start me back into my blogging, I've decided to do the 30 Days of Truth. I first saw it over at Miss Grace's, and I think it might be a good way to jump start my writing again...So, here we go...

Day One: Something I Hate About Myself:

I constantly second guess myself when it comes to, well, just about everything. This blog is becoming one of the things that I undermine by thinking about it too much. Never one for great self confidence, I seem to drop projects because I fear how I/others might view the final result. What if it sucks? I hate failure, and what if that's what happens? This is really ridiculous, I know, but so many times I start a craft or another creative project and I bail out half way through because I don't think that it's good enough for my own high standards. Better to leave it up in the air and undone than badly done.

Ironically, it's very hard for me to give up or quit on people, some of whom I really probably should have. I can name a few friends and family members that no matter how hard I try to walk away from them, they turn up like bad, bad pennies. Severing a tie completely is very hard for me to do in relationships....

So, there's Day One.

Here's the rest of the list in case you're interested:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself