It's the pits, really...

How freakin' cool is this? I'm a huge fan of Cool Things in Random Places, but this takes me back to my childhood desire to dig a hole to China. I did my best, but my mom cut me off when I'd only gotten 2 feet deep into the ground. Good thing Hell wasn't in my backyard, I guess.

To Me...On the Anniversary of My Solar Return

Solar Return is just a fancy, New Agey way of saying birthday. It somehow sounds more dramatic, doesn't it? And I married an actor, so obviously I'm inclined towards the dramatic.

So, I'm 32. A smidge older than yesterday, definitely no wiser.

Mostly I'm just tired and ready for the weekend.

But I get retrospective on the day the sun returns to the position it was in on the day of my birth. It's the historian in me, I guess.

I'll admit the last few years have really been tough on me. Some of the toughest in my life and I'm not sure I'm a better person for having endured them. I've let my vices and inner demons get the best of me and had too much inertia about the things I know I need to change. But time marches on and so do I.

I promise myself to do more of the things I love: write, read, yoga, find my spiritual center, be an even better wife/mother/friend...

Time to change, but only for the better and place the past in the past where it belongs.

This year I give myself the present of the future and the vision to see it.

So here's to 32...to a better year.

What kind of commenter are you?

I saw this over on mental floss and it's just a really interesting article. I'm not sure what kind of commenter I am, I just know I usually like to leave and receive 'em. (As long as they are mostly nice/at least has a valid point if I'm wrong)... I've been extremely busy lately and I haven't left as many comments/blogged as many entries as I'd like. Hopefully things will simmer down soon...

Anyway...

Check it out!

Adult Easter Egg Hunt Suggestions?

Against my better judgement (don't I have ENOUGH to do?!), I've agreed to host an adult themed Easter Egg Hunt tomorrow night. My sister in law talked me into being the host for an event that I've never even been to, so I'm not sure of the standards.

Apparently I'm in charge of hiding Easter Eggs in my back yard filled with things like condoms and slips of paper that say "Good for one Jello Shot" and "Good for One Pair of Edible Panties".

Any fun ideas? Usually I'm creative with this kind of stuff, but I'm drawing a blank. Nothing too gross, but I want to make it fun....

Let's Go Royals!!!

I don't care how bad they suck, Opening Day for the Royals is a High Holy Day of Awesomeness in my world. I love, love, love me some MLB!!!

I'm going to be soggy today, but I'll be at the K, drinking overpriced beer and scarfing some nachos. (If you're that really, really drunk girl who peed her pants in the Ladies restroom line last year, please don't stand next to me this time, m'kay? Thanks.)

I will maintain perfect somberness as I stare at the forbidden hot dogs and remember that Christ died for my sins.

But I'll be cheering for the Boys in Blue! Let's Go Royals!!!

This is my favorite time of the season...the brief few weeks I can kid myself that there's hope for the Royals being a contender for the pennant race. I embrace my self-delusion like a well loved security blanket.

Peep Show!

I've been a very bad, bad blogger lately and that's mostly because I've got some potentially bad, bad shit going on in real life. It sucks, I don't want to really go into it here, but needless to say, if you can think happy, fluffy, wonderful thoughts for me for a little while, Moxie would much appreciate it. All hope isn't lost just yet, but I'm not sure...

Anyway, Mental Floss' Peeps on Parade cheered me up. Check it out...I hate the taste of them, but they are a sure sign of Spring and that's a good thing, right?

Here's one of my favs, The Wreck of the Edmund Peepsgerald . . .

A Lesson In Gratitude...

Darling spent last weekend with my mom and dad. We aren't going to see my family on Easter so, naturally, the Easter Bunny came a little early and visited at Grandma's.

When my mom and dad brought her back on Sunday evening, I told Darling to thank Grandma and Grandpa for all the cool stuff (a Peeps necklace, an Easter dress, and LOTS of candy) they gave her.

Darling, with all the self-righteousness and justice a 4.5 yr old can muster, refused.

"Grandma didn't get these for me, the Easter Bunny did."

I told her to thank Grandma anyway.

She refused.

Sigh.

I guess she has a point...

Why give Grandma any credit when a mythical fertility creature deserves the props?

Good imagination, spoiled brat or future judge, I haven't decided...

I want THAT: Crunch: The Game

My family LOVES board games. We could spend hours playing Risk, Monopoly, Scrabble...we love them all.

I just found one over at Collateral Damage that MUST soon be in our collection.

Crunch

From the makers of War on Terror: The Board Game, Crunch is all about the economic collapse going on right now.

Here's the gist of the game:

Crunch is a card game for 2 to 4 players that allows you to experience the upside of down. Placed in the role of a global banking CEO, you have to juggle the conflicting demands of your ailing bank and your flourishing bank account.

Along the way, the game also replicates our modern banking system and foreshadows the inevitable collapse of capitalism, but that's just a bonus.

This game looks like a heck of a lot of fun. With cards like "Bankrupt Country," "Rebrand" and "Too Big to Fail" at least it brings a little humor to the doom and gloom of the current state of affairs. It can't be any more depressing than The Game of Life.

Here's some other gems out of the Crunch deck:




Let me know if you decide to buy it and what you think!

Irksome....veeeery irksome

I'm a bit peevish today.

I'm also apparently on a Top 10 jag...

10 Irritating Things in Moxieland:

1. My brother in law *forgot* to tell my hubby and I that their mother is coming up and staying overnight with us...TODAY!!! Suprise!

2. My mother in law is spending the night tonight.

3. I let Darling get *one* box of Cookie Crisp (after swearing my children would never eat Sugar Coated Gritties) and now she wants to eat nothing else.

4. People who think they are *sooooooo* open minded and liberal. (They are unless you disagree with them.)

5. People who invite me to join Facebook groups that I have no interest in. Maybe I don't agree with your politics/religion/world view/choice of pets or movies. Quit throwing #$@$%#ing sheep at me and asking me to be a vampire.

6. Undermining co-workers.

7. The fact that Handsome is looking more and more like The Dude from "The Big Lebowski". I understand he's growing his hair long enough to cut for Locks of Love (in memory of his aunt that died of cancer last year), but when I'm trying to make out with him and HIS hair gets in my mouth, it's just really irritating. Plus he looks like The Dude...sort of.

8. Weather forecasters. Snow at the end of March? $#@$ you, Katie Horner! I know you're using either voodoo or some other witchcraft to get higher weather ratings. Isn't rain/tornado/microburst season enough for you?

9. The lady who literally cut in front of me at OfficeMax today, plopped 20 items and a stack of coupons down and said, "Ok, I want to get the absolute BEST deal on this stuff." and gave ME a dirty look for daring to stand behind her in line with my 2 items.

10. Any company laying anyone off any of my friends. You suck.

Why I Hope Newspapers Never Die

I did something shameful yesterday.

I participated in a Death Pool, not for a celebrity, but for an icon nonetheless.

I made a bet on when the official death knell for The Kansas City Star will be.


My boss says by the end of the year.

My co-worker says by June of next year.

I say they'll go down to a 4 day a week format by the end of next year.


Unlike many celebrating the death of the "archaic media", I really hope it's never. Last week alone, 3 of my friends lost jobs in the media industry. You're sick if you find schadenfreude in other people being laid off. Shame on you. Those are jobs and people with families that the blogosphere and it's pay per click/impression ads will never support. (And those of you who force me to click thru my Google Reader to finish reading your content piss me off too!)

That being said, people are being laid off across almost every industry. Why is the loss of a daily newspaper such a big deal?

There are several reasons, most of them are personal for me as someone who pondered the idea of becoming a journalist many years ago. That's why I have a blog today. By no means is it a news source, but like most blogs it chronicles my own personal life (or what I care to share) and comments on the world around me. Does my blog have a place in the universe? I'm narcissistic enough to think so. Is it news? Not by a long shot. But it is my little opinionated nook of the world and you've bothered to be here, so here's my small minority opinion of why I hope to be reading a printed newspaper when I'm old and using a magnifying glass to read the words...1. I'll admit to a fascination with the arcane as someone who spent four years and a whole lotta money on a degree in history. And what better chronicler of American life is there than the daily headlines? These are literally snapshots into a moment in time...

I've spent hours and hours reeling through microfiche looking for historical data in newspapers and often I'd get caught up in the side stories and the ads from days gone by. In the future, how are researchers going to look for content? Web hosts post and unpost content at will. Bloggers start and stop their blogs every day. If you went to look up an Internet source from 10 years ago, I bet you'd only have a 15% chance of finding it.

2. I admit I have a vested interest in seeing a medium do well as someone who earns a living in Marketing. Ever since I graduated college 9 years ago, everyone said, "Oh, don't advertise in the paper, it's a dying media. No one reads the paper these days!"

I beg to differ. The Kansas City Star is one of my best sources for direct response, believe it or not. It's all in how an advertiser uses it. Those who still read the paper are typically intelligent, well-educated, active readers who are mature enough in their careers to have the disposable income required to purchase the particular products and services I advertise. I almost always receive a return on my investment with ads there. As part of a healthy media mix, the newspaper is still viable for me.

It's easy to ignore the right rail and banner ads of a web page filled with pop up ads. Advertising was never more annoying than when it hit the Internet. Those who abuse the power of online advertising give the rest of the decent web pages a bad name. Ads in a newspaper never play music or give you a filthy virus.

3. I think it's sad as the end is seeming to come to an end for several major metropolitan papers, most recently, The Seattle Post-Intelligencer (first published in 1863) and The Rocky Mountain News (since 1859). In a day and age that not even our baseball teams are all owned by American companies, it's nice to know at least the vehicle of our opinions and news are still American owned. These are companies that have been publishing on a daily basis for over a hundred years. While they may not go under all the way, a switch to completely online is a sad change.

4. Curling up with a laptop on a Sunday morning is just not the same as the happy, messy spread of me, hubby, daughter, cats and breakfast on the couch, reading the paper...I did this with my own family when I was younger and I know my family now enjoys it as well.

5. You don't need WiFi, a power cord or a battery to read a newspaper. You just need a source of light. Newspapers are the quintessential portable media source.

6. Just like talk radio is an important part of a citizen's forum in a community, the newspaper is as well. Yes, you can start a blog, yes a few people might read it, comment on your opinions, but nothing has a farther reaching impact than a major newspaper. Radio, tv and blogs may have wider theoretical reach, but newspapers, I think, have a better actual reach (remember the whole active reader thing?). A newspaper is a pillar in a metropolitan community.

7. Then there's the whole credibility issue. Anyone can publish on the Internet. That's a beautiful thing. I read several blogs a day, all completely different from one another in terms of content, professionalism and purpose. To publish something in print (and online too) and to be considered credible, you have to have verified sources, objectivity (or at least the semblance of it), and more often than not at least a college degree or years of experience. Snobbish? Yep. But if you're good enough to be hired and paid for your attempt at objective reporting or educated opinion, there's a slightly better chance of me taking you seriously.

8. When journalists blog, it usually sucks. Sorry, but it's true. Too many of them use it as a hobby or a sloppy, half assed attempt at social networking. They'll usually save their good stuff for their printed column. This is disappointing. Even some of the good journalists do this (not to say there isn't some really crappy, horrible writers out there who still somehow seem to get published). Until journalists get past posting the police blotter or sporadically posting their second-string columns, the newspaper will continue it's downward spiral. They also need to remember to cite their sources. Just because you're blogging doesn't mean you should forget your manners and give credit where it is due.

9. The world is polarized and segmented enough. As a blogger, I can choose and filter whatever content I damn well please into my Google Reader. Occasionally, I leave my comfortable nest of agreeing and dissenting opinions I've built for myself. But I have to work for it. As Simon and Garfunkel said, you "only hear what you want to hear and disregard the rest" With a newspaper, you have different opinions right at your fingertips. I'm more likely to pick up the sports section (when it's not baseball season) when a headline catches my eye than to click thru to the sports page on the internet.

10. I'm starting to stretch things at this point, so, to make this a nice round top 10 list, I'm going with the paper airplane/boat/George Washington hat/I need cheap packing material argument. Copy paper just isn't as effective in these applications.

I'm sure there are lots of people who disagree with pretty much every single thing I said, but, again, it's my blog, I'll spout whatever I want to spout. I just hate seeing an era end...

That's it, I'm done playing devil's advocate for the day...

Retro Gag: The HORROR!

I'm not taking a cop out, but the thought of Obama Fingers is just too gag-tastic! Worse yet?

I don't care if it's fertig gebraten (fully roasted?) would you eat your Obama Fingers MIT Curry Dip?

Seriously....

I prefer my president with good ol' barbecue sauce, like George Washington and Uncle Sam intended.

Worst blog post title of the week "Our President is Finger-Licking Good"

Those evil Germans! I'm ashamed of my heritage but oddly hungry for Sauerbraten mit Rotkohl und Knudeln...

Roger to the Rescue

This is beyond a doubt one of the most bizzare things I've seen this week. Roger the Plumber saves a pantsless woman (apparently a customer) from her house that was on fire.

Total kudos to Roger though. He's an absolutely stand up guy (if not overpriced in his plumbing.) I've met him a few times at various theater stuff in town (he's a HUGE supporter of the arts) and he's genuinely a cool person. "He's good people" as my best friend would say.

Thanks, Roger for saving the day!

Retro Gag Bonus: A Braver Blogger Than I

Since I was sick/dealing with a sick kid two weeks ago and promised an extra Retro Gag post, I'm making good on it today and offering up the work of Cleanser over at the good old days.

While I may just scoff and feel ill about the thought of actually eating some of my Retro Gag Recipe finds, this intrepid blogger actually cooks and taste tests them!!!

She's drank Hot Dr. Pepper, and even tried the Hot Dog Jello disaster.

The best part are the pictures. Seriously, check out her site. It's beyond awesome and chock full of fascinating retro-fabulousness!

Her latest act of bravery involves two of my favorite things: hot dogs and barbecue sauce (or the attempt at the greatest condiment known to man).

Sounds fabulous to a native Kansas Citian, right?

Check out her "Deviled Hot Dogs with Frenchwise Barbecue Sauce" voyage.

She says it's not bad.

Meh...I'll stick with my Gates.

Just one more time

I know I've posted it before, but for all my black Irish lovies...

Happy St. Guinness Day To You!

Top of the Morning and Foam of the Guinness to ya! I hope you have a fabulous St. Paddy's Day (one of my personal favs, being Irish and all).

Enjoy one of my new favorite Guinness Ads today and beware the Irish Car Bombs (damn them for tasting like chocolate milk!)...

Proof He Leaves the Brookside Compound

Yep, During the Brookside Warm Up Parade last weekend, I got photographic evidence that the mayor (and his wife, dutifully at his feet) does sometimes show up in public (other than the library). Huh.

If you weren't at the Brookside Parade, and you were in town, I feel sorry for you. It was incredibly fun this year! MUCH warmer than last year!

Retro Gag: Homage to SPAM

Spam is one of the most controversial lunch meats in American History. Love it or hate it, it's an icon. I for one can NOT stand the thought of potted lunchmeat. I just can't do it.

For those of you who do enjoy the occasional Spamwich, this may not be that gross to you, but for me it's horrific. Click on any picture to adjust it to readable size...

First up is Marion Ross' recipe for Mac N Spam...Oh, Mrs. C, I hope you didn't feed this to Richie... (from tvlandforums.com)

Cheesy Macaroni Bake
8-ounce package dry elbow macaroni
1 12-ounce can SPAM
2 tbsp. butter, divided
1 tsp. flour
¼ tsp salt
¼ tsp. dry mustard and pepper
Dash of cayenne pepper
2 cups milk
½ lb. processed sharp American cheese, diced
½ cup dry bread crumbs
1/8 tsp. paprika
Directions
Heat oven to 400 degrees. Cook macaroni according to package and drain.
Combine macaroni with SPAM in a 2-quart greased casserole dish.
Melt one tbsp. butter in a medium sauce pan. Blend in flour, salt, mustard, pepper and cayenne until smooth. Stir in milk and cook over medium heat until mixture thickens and boils.
Add cheese and stir until cheese melts. Pour over SPAM mixture and mix well.
Melt remaining tbsp butter and combine with bread crumbs and paprika. Sprinkle mixture over the top. Bake in 400 degree oven for 20-25 minutes.


Continuing the horrors of Spam and Macaroni...from a 1946 Woman's Day Magazine...
Spam and Macaroni Loaf

Oh Jesus God, the layering! The broccoli! Ugh!


Planked Spam (Woman's Day 1945)

Spam, tomatoes and mushrooms, mashed potato rosettes? "You'll be greeted with cheers!" (I think that's a typo for jeers)


Spam Fiesta Peach Cups (Family Circle Feb 1956)

Let me get this straight...ground SPAM, mustard, ketchup and OATS?! You want me to do WHAT with them?


Spam Cake (from Charles Phoenix)
Apparently, Spam Cake is easy! According to Mr. Phoenix, a nice lady at the SPAM Museum told him: "Follow the directions for any white, spice, yellow or devil’s food cake mix, but substitute grated SPAM for the oil."

If you can't handle the idea of frosting a Spam Birthday Cake (and that one above is damn impressive), you can always make the pancake version from this 1957 Betty Crocker Ad:

Ugh...what a wild Spam ride...for once I'm glad that Catholics are required to fast on the Fridays during Lent. Hope you have a great weekend! DO NOT TRY THESE RECIPES AT HOME!

The Recession Hits Sesame Street

Sad news from Sesame Street...It's pretty freaking bad when even Big Bird doesn't have job security. The Sesame Street Workshop is laying off 20% of it's workforce.

I've always truly loved Sesame Street. My siblings and I grew up loving it (Snuffy was always my favorite). I'm so glad that Darling enjoys it too, but I have to say that I would like to punch Baby Bear in his stupid, lisping face. If they're laying off Muppets, he should be the first to go. His little sister speaks more clearly than he does. And maybe Alan. I've never adjusted to Mr. Hooper's replacement. And Zoe. Zoe just irritates me. And that Abby Kadaby fairy? WTF?

Nevertheless, it's still a fabulous kid's show. I feel bad for Elmo & Co. At least Oscar and Slimey the Worm downsized early and aren't afraid of dumpster diving.

The truly tragic thing is what will the laid off Muppets do? Tear Sesame Street up with a gang turf war?
Maybe use the economy to teach kids some other hard truths about life? (Click on pic to read)
I don't even want to think about the very special episode where Snuffy tries coke and Super Grover tries some LSD laced flying...

Damn, it's a cruel, cruel world.

One bright bit of news for PBS is their new/old show. Did you know there is an all new Electric Company? Darling and I caught the first episode and while it's not the vintage childhood show I loved, pretty darn good. (Like Dollhouse, I'll watch a few more episodes and see where it goes.) When I was watching the shows, it was all re-runs and 3-2-1 Contact was taking over as the "science show".
Maybe The Bloodhound Gang could solve the mystery of what the hell happened to the economy and then explain it to us in simple terms.

Out of the Ashes, I arise once more, just to be worried.

Yeah. Stomach/Intestinal Flu sux.

Completely.

You know you really love someone when you hold their hand for 45 minutes while they cry and have explosive diarreha. At two in the morning, no less.

True love, Constant Reader, true parental love.

I think Darling's over it and Handsome and I survived the milder bouts. I suppose a good colon cleansing is good for everybody every once in a while.

That being said, the economy is making me (metaphorically) sick to my stomach. Everywhere you turn in the blogosphere, someone is worrying about jobs, money, foreclosure, etc.

What worries me the most is how it effects children.

Darling is mostly oblivious to money right now...at four and a half she still thinks 5 pennies are worth more than a dime. We're working on it.

Is her generation going to grow up learning to save and be frugal or are they going to continue on a path of over-consumption and economic indulgence that my generation has grown accustomed to?

It's only in the last year or so that Handsome and I have been in the economic position to start majorly paying down any of the debt we racked up with our expensive degrees and the credit cards that were thrown at us when we were young/stupid/graduated.

By the end of this year we should be debt free other than our mortgage and student loans. That's a major accomplishment for us, but we've accomplished this by completely curtailing all extraneous spending, save the occassional indulgence. We're almost there, God help us...

We're working hard to accomplish this, and just a few weeks ago, while we were grocery shopping, Darling informed Handsome that the ice cream purchase he was pondering was "not in the budget, Daddy!"

This may not seem huge, but I never claimed we were living at the poverty level.

Neither Handsome and I grew up in affluent families, but our parents always got by and kept their financial concerns out of hearing of their children.

They didn't want us to worry about money. Kids should just be kids.

They were probably doing us a favor in their minds, but shouldn't kids have a better sense of family budgets?

Or is ignorance bliss?

What's the balance of stressing kids out about the family finances and finding a way to teach them fiscal responsibility?

I have a feeling this will become more and more important if the economy continues in the same direction it seems to be heading.

Sickly, but Funny

Yep. Still out sick. Darling's getting a little better and Handsome and I are hanging in there. Will return to normal posting soon, once the crippling stomach cramps go away.

Until then, enjoy the funniest thing you'll probably read today. I'd laugh, but it would hurt too much.

Retro Gag: Kitchen is Temporarily Closed

Sorry guys, nothing disgusting this Friday. I'll post a Retro Gag early next week.

My daughter has been projectile vomiting (she'd make the demons in The Exorcist proud) for the last 2 days and I'm starting to get "that not so hot feeling" myself.

So let's just say I'm not really in the mood find gross things to eat, m'kay?

Thought to ponder: Why does my Daddy's Little Girl turn into Mama's Little Cling Wrap only when dealing with the High Holy 3 P's of Childhood (Pee, Poop, and Puke)? She wouldn't let me out of her sight last night.

Guess I'm just lucky, huh?

The Scientific Research Behind Belly Button Lint

Someone seriously spent three years of their life studying the composition of belly button lint.

I can only hope my contribution to the universe could be so grand.

It's something to aspire to. I need to obviously get my priorities straight.

Retro Gag: Hot N Sour Shake Anyone?

This has been a crazy week in Mox-topia, so I wasn't able to dig through my personal retro-cookbook collection, but I did scour the Internet for even more fabulously horrid things you shouldn't feed your family.

First up (because I'm still having Jell-O issues):

Jellied Bouillon with Frankfurters

(originally posted by slash food from "500 Snacks: Bright Ideas for Entertaining (1941), Culinary Arts Institute"

What's most horrifying about this is the fact that my daughter LOVES hot dogs almost as much as her mother. She, however, prefers them cold, right out of the package. I'm guessing my picky eater would eat this. And that truly frightens me. Someone needs to explain to me WHY you should put hard-boiled eggs in Jell-O. I just don't get it.And I'm sorry, I don't want hot dogs with glamour. It's precocious.

Hot & Sour Shake
(from wildrecipes.com)

1. You need hot peppers (what kind doesn't matter), half a dozen cups of lemon juice, 1/2 a cup of hot sauce, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and a cup of milk.

2. Chop hot peppers before putting in blender.

3. Put ingredients in blender until smooth.

4. ENJOY!

Should a milkshake really be spicy? I don't think so. Peppers and ice cream DON'T mix.


Sardine Eggs Recipe
Sardine Eggs Recipe with Boiled Eggs, Tin Sardines, Mayonnaise, Parsley & Anchovies.
INGREDIENTS
6 Hard Boiled Eggs
1 Small Tin Sardines
2 tablespoons Mayonnaise
Parsley & Anchovies to garnish

METHOD
Cut the Eggs in half and remove the Egg Yolks. Put the Egg Yolks through a fine sieve into a large bowl. Mash the Sardines well, and mix into the Egg Yolks with the Mayonnaise. Season to taste. Put the mixture into a piping bag with a rose nozzle. Pipe he mixture into the Egg Whites. Garnish each with a sprig of Parsley and Anchovy. Serves 6.
(Based on the Sardine Eggs recipe in: Simple Recipes by Joanna Percival (Albany Books / Debenhams Books 1978).

Sardines and Anchovies? No thank you. I only made the mistake of ordering a Caesar Salad once without specifying no dead fish on top. It was a horrifying experience and I haven't quite recovered.


Ketchup Macaroons

This is a recipe you simply have to see ALL the visuals on, but come right back.

Done? Ok. I know, right? UGH!

Cornichons(pickles, I googled it) and Ketchup do NOT belong in cookie form. This is not a true Retro-Recipe, but it's still pretty horrifying. The brightness of the red is most appalling.

I'm pretty sure this cookie was created simply because Europeans (I'm looking at you, FRANCE) sneer at our adorable American preference for putting ketchup on everything. Being from Kansas City, I've often wondered how Gates sauce would taste on chocolate cake, but that doesn't really matter does it? I was pregnant and that doesn't count.

So, anyway, I've ruined your appetite for the rest of the day. I'm sorry. Next week I'll really dig deep and bring you something fabulously horrid!

A Completely Modest Proposal

I survived a rape when I was 19 years old, and I know how horrible that trauma is to overcome and live with.

If someone ever dared to do that to my 13 yr old daughter and then gloat about it in front of me, I'd have NO problem setting the son of a bitch on fire.

I don't really see a problem here, which is probably why my dad still doesn't know who my rapist is even though it was 13 years ago. I'm just saying...

Fat Tuesday Pancakes?

Today is Fat Tuesday (day before Ash Wednesday, start of Lent). Apparently you eat pancakes as a tradition on Fat Tuesday.

I'm a cradle Catholic and I've never heard of this.

Is it a regional thing? How have I missed this until now?

Growing up, we had a traditional feast of pizza, chocolate, chips and soda (the usual things we'd give up for the next 40 days and nights).

Oh well, who cares...it's a great excuse to make something super easy for dinner, and who doesn't love pancakes?

Here's a great link to a link filled with fabulous pancake recipes in case you're inspired to take the easy way out tonight, too.

I think I'll make chocolate chip and apple cinnamon ones...no fancy recipe, I'm sure you can figure it out with a box of Hungry Jack if you use your imagination.

Since it's the day before Lent starts, I guess I should figure out what I'm giving up/doing extra for the next 40 days. Thanks for the reminder, Logtar!

I guess I suck as an Obama Mama

I know Darling's only 4, but I took this Parenting Quiz: How do you stack up against Michelle and Barack?

Now I long for the carefree days of the "At least my daughter isn't getting wasted at frat parties" Bush era parenting.

Sure, Darling feeds/waters BullyKat, but I'm not sure she's ready for the litter box.

I can barely get her vegetable choices to stray outside of broccoli, califlower, french fries and lettuce, let alone organic carrots.

Considering the fact that Darling is a night owl like her Daddy, and we usually have to scrape her out of bed in the mornings, I'm not sure she'll be ready for an alarm clock in Kindergarten or falling asleep by 8 pm. But 8:30 is close, right?

I do read to her every night. She isn't ready for Harry Potter yet, but we read, damn it, there is HOPE !

Dollhouse? Anybody?

I've been a huge fan of Joss Whedon for years. Especially Buffy The Vampire Slayer (the show, not the crappy movie). I was REALLY looking forward to his new show Dollhouse.

Not only am I a huge Joss fan, I also LOVE Eliza Dushku.

This show, in theory, should rock my world...

There have been 2 episodes so far and I don't know what to think. I really want to like it, but it really hasn't caught me up yet. Maybe I just can't get into the idea of brainwashing a woman in order to make her be anything you want her to be. Plus, her handler isn't Anthony Stewart Head (Giles). Maybe I just need to keep watching in order for it to make sense.

Anyone else watching? Any thoughts?

New Weekly Feature: Retro Gag!

That's right, Constant Reader! Each week I'll scour the Internet and the 1970's cookbooks that I generously inherited from my grandmothers and other well-meaning little old ladies for the most gag-tastic recipes I can find.

As the mother of a picky eater, I'm constantly scouring recipes. I'm a recipe addict. I admit it. I love trying new recipes and Darling's tastes are a constantly moving target. I also have a fascination with Mad Men era advertising (The Golden Age of Advertising, if you will)

This week, as an homage to my lost Kool-Aid Gels, I bring you:

Things You Should NEVER mix with Jell-O....

I have never understood the 1950's and '60's housewife's fascination with Jello molds. I'm not talking mixing in a little Fruit Cocktail with your Jell-O, I'm talking about the all out everything and the kitchen sink approach to Jell-O.

Once my mother in law mixed shredded carrots and cabbage in orange Jell-O. I thought it was just par for the hideous course of her usual cooking.

Then I found these little gems. As a general rule, just because it CAN be suspended in Jell-O does NOT mean it SHOULD be suspended in Jell-O.

Olive's Technicolor Yak...

That's right. This lovely little snack has olives, onion, pepper, celery and VELVEETA suspended in light, refreshing lime flavored Jell-O. Serve that one to your kids and see what Wally and the Beaver have to say...

Garden Salad Ring

MMMM...Lemon Jell-O, eggs, cabbage, chives and radishes. I can't wait for seconds, Mom! This recipe is really keen!

"Because It's So Hard To Get Them to Eat Their Lima Beans and This Will Do the Trick" Mold

I'd personally throw this back at my mother. I have no words. Worcestershire and lima beans. Shudder.

Summer Picnic Food Poisoning De-Lite

I love potato salad in all of it's glorious forms, but this is one toke over the line for me. Cucumber, pepper, pimento and our friend Lemon Jell-O? No way in hell.

So there you have it. Do you like Retro Gag? Should I never do it again?

All of these little gems were scragged from the VERY awesome retro advertising site: Do What Now? Jim Dunn is a commentary genius and shares my nerd-tastic love of all arcane ads and reference to pop culture gone by.

Stay tuned (if your stomach can handle it.) Next week I'm either going to take on Betty Crocker circa 1970 (you saucy minx) or share some recipes from a cookbook circa 1850. We'll just have to see.

I would like to place my caveat here at the end that if you should dare try one of these recipes, you cannot hold me liable. Cook at your own risk. If you need great recipes, check out Dana, The Homesteading Housewife. Her recipes are always Moxie approved.

Sign of the times, my friends

Sadly, there is probably a market for these. Sigh. Check out the rest of Advergirl's cards here.

Sigh.

TGIF.

No Pudding For YOU!

Guess there's no room for Kool-Aid Gels or Handi-Snacks Pudding in Kraft's culinary line up.

Those little pudding cups stopped many a Darling meltdown. We're a very busy family and no, I don't do a June Cleaver dinner every night when I come home from work. Sometimes I just need something quick so I can relax for an hour or so.

These snacks also fit nicely into my purse when we're rushing off somewhere and while they may not be the healthiest, they are very useful bribery as dessert. Darling especially liked the Strawberry Gels with a few grapes and the chocolate pudding.

Hell, I like them!

I guess now I have to switch brands, which I hate doing because I am a brand loyalist when it comes to certain things. Maybe I'm just resistant to change.

I guess I should really curse the economy.

Damn you, Economy, for taking away our delicious pudding cups!

I saw something completely different....

This started as a really long response to Meesha's post about the chimp picture and then I decided what the heck, I'll make it my own post.

I cannot see the racist implications, sorry Al Sharpton.

I agree with Meesha that the cartoonist put two news stories together to make commentary. (Sorry, but crazy chimpanzees gone wild always makes for a good lead story on the news).

I personally think George W. Bush looks more like a monkey than Obama. There is no way I would have put 2 and 2 together like that for it to equal racism.

My first reaction was to be worried for Emaw's safety...Hope you're ok, buddy!

My second reaction was that it actually reminded me of the one-act play "Words, Words, Words" by David Ives.

This play is based on the Infinite Monkey Theorem, which is, given enough time, monkeys caged in a room with typewriters will eventually come up with "Hamlet".

It's a crazy theory, but "Words..." is an awesome play. I saw it about 10 years ago and I still remember Milton, Swift and Kafka (the monkeys, not the writers, but I remember them too, I guess.)

When I saw the cartoon, I thought of Congress being the symbolic monkey typing away at something a lot of people see as gibberish, not our president. Congress wrote the bill, not Obama, so....? I don't get it.

What disturbs me most about this story is the fact that there was an automatic jump in some people's minds to Obama. Can we please move past racism in my lifetime? Just because we elected an African American president doesn't mean there aren't racists among us, but seriously, let's look for it and attack it where it really exists, not in this ridiculous cartoon.

Just for a second, let's just assume that it was about Obama.

First, assassination isn't funny. It just isn't. Knock it off, m'kay?

Secondly, let's say it was just a cartoon that painted Obama in a negative light. He's our president. A public figure. He's going to get criticized right or wrong. God Bless America for the freedom to criticize our public figures without worrying about being shot.

Every time he's criticized in the next 4-8 years, is there going to be someone crying "Racism!"? Because that's going to get old, really quick. It will end up hurting and not helping the cause of racial equality, so be a little more choosy about the battles you pick, Al.

(hopping off my soapbox....)

This is why I drink Diet Coke...

I'm a huge fan of Advertising is Good For You. They have great commentary on a lot of campaigns. Then I saw this today.

I just about spit out my Diet Coke laughing.

Check out Lawrence Yang's site. I love it when artists see different things than the intended. That being said, I'm sure tons of research went into Pepsi's new design and hours of laborious focus groups, etc. Along comes some guy and he hilariously defaces it. I hope people don't do this to me. I'm sure they do.

Yang's art is awesome. Check it out. It makes me wish I had the money to buy beautiful, real art...

Sigh...

Hot Dogs vs. God

Guess what I just found out?

Opening Day for the Royals is on Good Friday this year.

Me=PISSED!!!

You probably don't care if:

1. You don't like baseball and/or the Royals
2. You're not Catholic and don't understand the implications of this horror
3. You don't know what this has to do with hot dogs

I'll spell it out for you...

I'm a relatively somewhat practicing Catholic. One of the small things I can do as a sacrifice for Jesus' sacrifice is not eat meat for 6 Fridays of the year. I'm good at this. I can do it.

I'm also a rabid baseball fan. I don't care how much the Royals suck, Opening Day is a High Holy Day of Awesomeness in my family. My dad used to let us play hooky every year for Opening Day. My grandfather built a baseball field in the middle of his cornfield in the 1950's (Whatever, Kevin Costner!). I played for my college softball team. We sort of take baseball seriously.

Going to a baseball game = eating at least one or more hot dogs. I can't watch MLB without eating a hot dog. I simply can not do this. I have an unhealthy obsession with hot dogs from stadiums/vendor carts. I can't say no.

So, what am I going to do?! I know I'm going to the game (Thank you generous advertising outlets for giving me tickets since I spend so much money with you.)

Do I sin and have one anyway? It is my God-given, American right to enjoy hot dogs at a baseball game...

Do I call Bishop Finn and beg for a dispensation (Dude, he should already be all over this! If the Irish get it for St. Pat's, Royals fans should get it for Opening Day.)?

I can't eat meat on Good Friday of all days. That's the one day of the year (the day Jesus died on the cross for my atheist/Jewish/other non-Christian/heathen readers)Catholics simply cannot screw up on. I'd probably get struck by a bolt of lightning or something if I tried it.

Will it be a sin if I cheer for Mustard, Ketchup or Relish in the Hot Dog Race?

Do I duck if Slugger shoots a hot dog towards me?

How could the Royals screw up the one enjoyable day of fanhood (the only day they have a real chance of being above .500)?

The only good news?

God never said anything about beer.

The promise of overpriced beer and nachos help ease this pain...

God bless beer and fake cheese.

Out of the Blue Because I Love You Days

Handsome and I have a long standing rule about Valentine's Day:

DON'T you dare buy anything more than a card!

Handsome didn't take me seriously the first time I said this and that year I got flowers, dinner, a sparkly bracelet and a card.

I got him nothing but a card and a dirty look. He learned his lesson.

It's not that I hate Valentine's Day (Ok, I kind of do), it's just that giving gifts on "expected days" is dumb. I'd much rather receive flowers on a random Tuesday afternoon in a non-holiday/anniversary month. Surprise me, don't make me expect it.

Handsome's gotten very good at this. I usually get flowers twice-ish a year on random, out of the blue because I love you days.

In the spring I usually get tulips, daffodils and roses. In the fall, a bouquet similar to my wedding flowers (sunflowers, roses, chrysanthemums, wheat). He even always orders them from the florist who did our wedding. He's a romantic (much more than I am.) and he can't help himself.

He's a card-aholic and if he needs to be forgiven for something, or is feeling especially loving, he can find the perfect card that says exactly what he means. I think he has a secret "in" at Hallmark, I really do. As someone who grew up in a non-card giving family, it was a bit overwhelming at first to get cards all the time.

I do the same for him. He gets love notes taped to his steering wheel so he sees it first thing in the morning, or if I'm at the store and see something that I know he'd like, I'll get it for him as a surprise. I sneak "Break A Leg" cards into his bag on opening nights of his shows sometimes.

Unexpected gestures of love are awesome. Expecting things on Hallmark Holidays is not.

That's why I was particularly irritated to wake up this morning to my radio. There were women calling in complaining about how they hardly got anything for Valentine's Day. They always started: "We said we weren't going to do anything really big, but..."

Stop complaining. If you want something for Valentine's Day, specify. Otherwise, take your chances and get what you get.

If there is an overall lack of romance in the relationship, that's a much bigger problem than forgetting/underperforming on V-Day. Solve that and stop bitching.

I think there supposed to be a point to this post, but I'm pretty sure I've forgotten it.

For V-day this year, Darling, Handsome and I went shopping. The most exciting part of it was that it was Free Sample Day at Costco, which is always a big hit for Darling.

We spent the day as a family, cuddled on the couch, watching movies and eating homemade pizza (a family project since Darling is WAY into helping in the kitchen now). I think I lost the romantic nuances of "The Little Mermaid" after seeing it for the 925th time, but it's still a love story, right?

For me it was a fabulous day. For a change, I didn't have to work, Handsome wasn't running off to rehearsal and the three of us just spent family time. My 2 best lovies all weekend. It was wonderful.

Hope you had a great day too!

Who Doesn't Love a Clever Parody?

Sorry for not posting much this week, but it's been a bitch with a capital B.

I gave into my perfectionist, "I'm going to do all the things my mom never did" BS and actually made 30 homemade Valentines for Darling's class (NEVER, NEVER AGAIN, Psycho Moxie! JUST SAY NO TO CRAFTS!!!!)

Not only that, my adorable, fuel efficient, Ford Focus wagon (that won't be paid off until next year) was rear ended by a fucktard driving his sister-from-California's Navigator. You do the math on that one while I cry my eyes out, m'kay?

Then the corporate office geniuses that I work for screwed my paycheck up by almost $300. Just a mistake? It's the 5th time they made a mistake in the last year. I'm getting severely irritated.

The one shining ray of Happy, Happy this week is that my daughter got into the Big Girl School of Her Parents' Choice after some tense nail biting. My baby will be a Kindergartener next year. (pause for a weepy Mama bittersweet sob)

So yeah, there's lots of other stuff seasoned in with all this stuff, but I'll spare you.

I've been low on laughs this week until I found this parody of "American Pie" (the song, not the stupid movie) over at Of Cabbages and Kings. It made me happy. Go check it out. Pretty funny blogger...

Here's the genius...

The Day the PC Died


(VERSE ONE)

Just late last week or so
I can still remember how the Web, it used to make me smile
And I knew if I could log-on
I'd have readers saying, "blog on!"
And maybe they would Follow for a while
But I pushed the button, and I shivered
The silence, how it made me quiver
Virus, maybe malware?
The screen, it gave a blank stare
I can't remember if I cried
When I powered up and it just sighed
The loss, I felt it deep inside
The day the PC died

(REFRAIN)

So, bye-bye Tweets from good Stephen Fry
Took my PC to the GeekSquad and they said they would try
While great new toys for Wii were waving goodbye, saying,
Chin up, dude, you're starting to cry
Chin up, dude, there's no need to cry


(VERSE TWO)

Do you hold PCs aloft?
And do you have faith in Microsoft
Because Bill Gates has told you so?
Do you believe in service fees
Can virus scans save our PCs?
And can you teach the clever tricks you know?
Well, I see that you charge by the hour
I found the rates there at the counter
It's so much cash to lose
But withdrawal makes me sing the blues
I am a lonely, Tweeting, blogging Stumbler
With my sleek workstation I made my fumble
Then I saw my Web world crumble
The day the PC died
I started singin'


(REFRAIN)

Bye-bye Tweets from good Stephen Fry
Took my PC to the GeekSquad and they said they would try
While great new toys for Wii were waving goodbye, saying,
Chin up, dude, you're starting cry...
Chin up, dude, there's no need to cry...


(VERSE THREE)

Now for four days I've been on my own
I have a laptop, it's on loan
But it's just not the same to me
When I log-on, the apps don't know my name
And the forums they don't look the same
And my fingers tend to hit wrong keys
And while I waited for that phone call
To say it's fixed and here's the last bill
Trouble's new direction
Zapped my whole connection
Yes, seems some jerk in a Corvette Shark
Hit a power line outside our office park
We sang dirges in the dark
The day the PCs died
We were singin'

(REFRAIN)

Bye-bye Tweets from good Stephen Fry
Took our PCs to the GeekSquad and they said they would try
While great new toys for Wii were waving goodbye, saying,
Chin up, dudes, you're starting to cry
Chin up, dudes, there's no need to cry

My computer is the last thing to explode this week....not that I'm asking for trouble on Friday the 13th or anything...

Happy 142nd Birthday, Laura!

It's the 142nd anniversay of Laura Ingalls Wilder's birth today! (I can always remember this because my aunt's birthday is the same day.)

Her books taught me how to read and she's still one of my favorite authors. I plan on taking Darling on the 6 site tour of all her homes when she's old enough to start reading the books. (History comes alive!)

You might remember me blogging about one of the Laura sites being sued. This still makes me angry.

Check out the website: Laura Ingalls Wilder: Frontier Girl. It's pretty cool!

No, Moxie! That's MY pot pie!

My daughter's cat, BullyKat, is an evil demon, but we keep him around because he's as sweet as sugar to Darling. He literally waits at the door for her to come in at night, he sleeps with her with a protective paw over her and never, ever scratches her no matter how she picks him up.

He's the devil to the rest of us ~ Handsome, FraidyKat and I. He scratches, chases and ignores us when we tell him to stop climbing the bookshelves (Little F'er broke one of my favorite vases I put up there to protect it from him.)

It's so bad that we've had to start feeding Fraidy in different locations because BullyKat would literally bitch slap him and bite him whenever he came near the food dish. Fraidy was losing weight and it wasn't good. BullyKat, meanwhile is only a year old and roughly the size of a barn (I exaggerate, more like an aluminum lawn mower shed, but whatever.)

So, we were at Hy-Vee last night to pick up a few things (Handsome's finally broken down and accepts that he has a hell of a cold that needs to be medicated). I wasn't particularly in the mood to cook, so I perused the frozen food meals aisle and lo and behold, what do I find but a dear, old friend of mine....

Nostalgia caused an impulse buy. I know they are horrible, so please don't lecture me on that...I haven't eaten a pot pie in probably 10 yrs but I loved them when I was a kid (and a poor, starving college kid).

I bought a few beef pot pies (They are only $2 for 3 at your local Kansas City area Hy-Vee!), took them home and threw them in the freezer (They are microwavable now! No more tinfoil pans! Times have changed! I wonder though if the cardboard pot pie dishes are still effective for making mud pies, which is what I used to use the old ones for. Do they bake in the sun as well? I don't know.)

Since I live about 3 minutes from my job, I go home for lunch today. I thought it would be lovely to enjoy my nostalgic pot pie at the picnic table in the backyard in this lovely 60+ weather.

I toss my pot pie in the microwave for 6 minutes, check my email, take the pot pie out of the microwave and leave it on the counter to cool while I answer the call of nature (and who really enjoys the roof of their mouth being burned?)

It's about a minute and a half kitchen/bathroom round trip, I'm efficient.

Upon reentering the kitchen, BullyKat is on the counter (I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS!!! AND SOMEDAY HE'LL BE STUPID ENOUGH TO DO IT WHEN I'M CLOSER TO THE KNIFE BLOCK!!!).

What's he doing?

Licking the top crust of my f'ing pot pie, THAT'S what!

He takes one look at me and darts for the laundry room and hides behind the washer where the little f'er knows I can't reach him.

After cursing him like the saltiest of sailors, I'm left with a dilemma.

I've got 2 back up pot pies in the freezer but I've already got one ready (though cat licked) on the counter.

I was quickly running out of lunchtime...so I decide on a crust-ectomy, since most of it was safe in the microwavable (!) dish. (Shut up! I'm a mother and once you have kids, your gross-out factor depletes by multiple digits. 4 years of snot, puke, poop and pee will do that to you.)

Ever tried to cut the crust off a pot pie?

Not as simple as you think, but I managed it.

So, even though it was a lovely day, and I did indeed enjoy my topless pot pie outside, my sunny disposition has been ruined for the day.

Would you like to know what's for dinner tonight?

(Not my actual cat, this is someone else's photo, sorry, whoever you may be. The coloring is right, but remember, he's the size of the backyard shed. I'd need a bigger pot than that or maybe a broiler.)

I would walk 1,200 miles...for chocolate?

I was never a really big chocolate person (choco-holic?) until I had my daughter. I could take it or leave it, but being pregnant must have tripped something in my circuits. These days, I'm a bigger fan, but not in that "I'm going to kill someone if they don't give me chocolate NOW!!!" kind of way. (Those people scare me almost as much as crack addicts).

Americans apparently have a very long love affair with chocolate. Recently discovered artifacts conclude that ancient Americans in the New Mexico region were known to walk up to 1,200 miles to get chocolate (or cacoa) from Central America as early as 1000 BCE.

Wow. Would you walk that far for a Hershey Bar?

As one archeologist put it: "That's a long way to go for something that you don't need for survival, [something] that's more of a delicacy."

I have no idea why I find this fascinating, I just do. Maybe I'm craving Valentine's candy or chocolate Easter Bunnies early this year.

SO disappointing

I don't like football all that much, but I do watch the Superbowl simply for the commercials. It's like the Oscars of Advertising (Clios aside)

I was horribly disappointed...

At least Bruce Springsteen rocked.

*sigh*