downsized....

3 weeks ago today was the first day in 8 years, 4 months, 2 weeks and 2 days that I didn't go to a full time job.

I was downsized....

It doesn't help that it wasn't my boss' decision...

It doesn't help that I got a great severance package...

It doesn't help that it wasn't my fault...

I felt empty...worthless...

Up until that point I had only been married 6 weeks longer than I had that job.

I had my daughter while I had that job.

I bought my first house while I had that job.

My husband and I have been through so much since I first got that job...

It was the sustaining thing through so much financial early-marriage chaos...

I was always "The Bread Winner"...

I knew it was probably coming, but I was in denial...

In January, our corporate office "restructured" the company. I was nervous and asked my boss what that meant for me. I was only one of a few "local" marketing managers left in 128 branches in the US and Canada. I kept my job for so long after so many of us fell.

I always knew my boss valued my work and that he'd keep me if he could.

Fuck it.

I kept my job because I was better than Corporate at getting results and up til now they couldn't find a reason to fire me legitimately. That's not an exaggeration.

I always played by the brand standards: used the right logos, fonts, graphics, but the ideas that really worked were all a local collaboration between the GM, the Sales Manager and me....

In January, the GM (some one who has been so inspirational as a business person to me) told me that if I was going to be eliminated, it would have already happened.

I was stupid and I believed him.

He hadn't let me down in the 5 years that I'd known him.

I have to give him a little bit of credit.

He fought for me and I don't doubt it.

He couldn't look me in the eye that day and had someone (that I HATE) do it...

But...he did say,

"I'm sorry, Moxie....I was the very last hold out. I did everything that I could. I'm the last of 128. I've fought for you for so long, but they won't let me any more. I'll do anything I can to help you find something else..."

Bleak comfort....right?

Strangely, I thought I'd be upset, but I wasn't.

I'd been unhappy for about a year and a half, REALLY unhappy since January. I knew it was time to go a long time ago, but I held on because it was familiar and because of the friends I'd made....We watched our kids grow up together, we weathered SO many financial challenges and creative differences together....it was like a family....

I was in firm denial.

But, done is done, am I right?

But, what really hurts is the fact that ONLY 2 HOURS after I finished a huge project, I was called in to the front office and let go... 2:15 pm on April 18th, 2011...

I'm still a little freaked out about the calm I felt.

I thought I'd cry...

I didn't.

I thought it would be harder...

It wasn't...

It was a weird calm and a rush of release.

It was all over and I didn't have to be stressed about that place again.

I just hated that it was so abrupt.

That my health insurance ran out at midnight that night.

That I didn't get the chance to say good bye to some of the most wonderful people I've known over the last 8.5 years.

Sure, I'll call those people in the next few weeks, tell them I'm doing fine and etc. and etc. but....I can't do it right now.

I hate job hunting. I hate the fact that business people lump "Sales and Marketing" together and think I want to be a salesperson.

Fuck that.

Let me create a campaign!!!

Let me strategize, design, implement and track something so I can see solid results.

I've known salespeople, and I'm not a salesperson. I hate getting junk mail promising me unrealistic amounts of money if I become a salesperson for XYZ BS Company.

I don't want to sell, I want to Market.

I'm a strategist.

I love the hunt and the target and the kill.

I love the rush of making someone who "hates junk mail and advertising" call us up anyway...

Sigh....

If you know any Marketing jobs in KC for someone with 10+ years of "roll your sleeves up and get results" marketing experience, let me know...

I hate sitting still...I need a job!