Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's been a very long while

Yeah, I'm not dead. My last post was rather ominous...Good news: I was not hijacked by Somali pirates or held for ransom in London. Bad news: I can't help you with your penile enlargements or help you scrub your credit score in 15 days or less....

It's been a bit crazy in Moxie-land since my last post...Handsome, Darling and I went on an epic So-Cal adventure that included in 9 days:

1. The Orange County Fair
2. Medieval Times
3. Disneyland
4. California Adventure Park
5. Knott's Berry Farm
6. Legoland
7. Coronado Island and Del Coronado Hotel
8. San Diego Bay Tour
9. The USS Midway Museum
10. San Diego Museum of Man
11. SeaWorld
12. San Diego Model Railroad Museum
13. The Reuben S. Fleet Science Center
14. San Diego Natural History Museum
15. San Juan Capistrano Mission
16. Huntington Beach (TWICE!!!)
17. San Diego Zoo

Darling also turned 6 and started 1st grade. I can't believe how much she has grown in such a short time. I know it sounds so trite, but it's true. She grew 2.5 inches this summer and her new found "big girl" attitude is just crazy. She was my little, little baby just two seconds ago....

I guess I've been quiet lately because I've been doing a lot of personal thinking. Also a lot of personal filtering....No one, not even Handsome, knows about this blog. I've always liked it that way. I started it as a way to just gush out my real thoughts and feelings, but then I started self-censoring. I was worried people in my real life would find this blog. And then, looking back through my posts, I realized I wasn't saying anonymously what I wanted to say anonymously in the first place. It just all ended up being crap and half hearted.

I started judging my friends' blogs they promoted on Facebook. I looked at the half-assed delusional political ramblings of my (apparently now quite gay) dream guy in high school, the pathetic in front of a chain link fence photos of the acquaintance who wants to be a "fashionista" even though she's a middle level office worker in JoCo, and the almost hostile ramblings of my lesbian friend who is apparently prejudiced against straight, white Americans. I know I'm a better writer than any of them, but in the world of instant self-publishing, everyone's a writer. I've sold out an honest talent and I feel like I've lost my voice....

What sort of voice do I have to offer?

I started to question it. I still haven't figured that out.

Things I haven't written about but should have/thought about it:

1. My absolute distaste for the girl in the office who manipulates the men with her inappropriate clothes (when is a strapless sun dress and inconvenient heels ever appropriate in a casual/kind of business casual environment?) and giggly, stupid girl shit. I'd love to know the story of why one of sales guys was fired. Corporate "investigators" were called in for that one and I know for a fact she is somehow involved. It's an office mystery that is probably just going to make me sick to my stomach. I really don't want to know.

2. How I felt when I heard the girl who did everything in her power to destroy my marriage to Handsome got engaged. I give her an "A" for effort, but some men (thankfully) are just "un-stealable". I don't blame her for trying since Handsome is amazing, but I feel sorry for the guy she's tricked. I wish I could have a very serious conversation with her fiancee, but that's just weird and the whole attempt was very hush-hush because Handsome and I tend to try to avoid painful but insignificant drama (yes, I know, I married an actor, but still...)

3. Darling's school. She goes to a charter school and it's such a great school with such an awesome learning environment. It's such a blessing/alternative to the KCMSD/parochial education. I'm proud of how well she's doing and of the school's awesome achievements, but I don't want to write about it so much that it's recognizable.

4. Some people talk about how it is such a shame so much history is being destroyed in KC, but here I am, working my ass off in my "spare time" to preserve a very important part of our history and I have to keep my mouth shut until the lawyers settle it all out. Let's just say it's like being given a box of awesome treasures and having no idea what's inside and how to go about figuring out what's inside. You just know that the outside parts will lead to even more awesome treasures. In the end, no one will probably care except a bunch of historians, but it's partially the reason I haven't had a day off since Aug. 1st, so it's kind of a big deal to me.

5. How I feel coming up on the 14th anniversary of my rape. Every year around this time the nightmares start up again and I hate that no matter what I do, I can't stop them from showing up. It's always the same dream, I'll even recognize that I'm having it and try to change it in the middle of dreaming it and it never really works. No amount of counseling has ever been able to divert the outcome of the dream.

So...anyway...that's kind of where I'm at.

I'm still reading all of my usual blogs and even if I've not commented lately, I'm still reading your stuff and still applaud the great writing of my favorite bloggers (that would be you!) Keep up the good work!