Monday, January 5, 2009

Back In the Saddle...The Catch Up Edition


Hey, I took a break over Christmas.

Did you even notice?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Nevertheless, I really, really needed it.

A break from work, email, blogging, life in general...

But I'm back now, semi-refreshed and slightly renewed (I guess)

Still, I wouldn't be true to my chronicles, Constant Reader, unless I caught you up on a few randoms from my break:

1. I've had just as much "Barbie and the Diamond Castle" as a mother can take. Insert My Little Ponies theme song and I'm in a corner, humming softly to myself, brushing my hair with one of their teeny tiny combs.

2. I will NEVER drink homemade wine EVER again. I'm an alcohol light weight and Handsome's uncle makes homemade pear wine. "Fine" I think. "It's the holidays, I can handle a few glasses." Nope. Even though it tasted like Boone's Farm, I blacked out and puked everywhere after 2 GLASSES. Yep, I shit you not. I didn't even feel tipsy until the bottom of the second glass and then it hit me like a freight train. I've never done anything like that before. Nothing says Happy Holidays like regurgitated moonshine! I'll stick to beer next time, hillbillies, thanks a lot. Did I mention I puked in my parent in laws brand new Explorer? Classy Family Memories, huh? Thankfully, they know I'm not an alcoholic and they just teased me. "No one told you about Uncle _____ homemade wine, huh? Ha Ha..."

3. Darling made "Reindeer Food" at school. We set it out in a bowl with the milk and cookies for Santa. In our Christmas morning haste to get the hell out of the house, I did not remove the bowl. When we came home 6 days later, the bowl was empty. I'd like to know what would possess Darling's cat to eat a mixture of dried beans, birdseed and a whole lotta gold glitter. We aren't even going to talk about the sparkly cat shit/smell when we returned, and yes, he was fed by a friend every day.

4. Why are kids toys so hard to get out of the packaging? All the wire ties and tape and crap? Really, it's an f'in toy, not Ft. Knox, alright toy manufacturers! My hands are permanently maimed now.

5. I still hate my smug, know-it-all, Trivial Pursuit card memorizing sister-in-law. It's lucky I wasn't drunk around her. REALLY lucky.

6. It's probably not the best way to start the New Year, but I was reminded at a friend's open house how much I still hate this one girl who tried her damnedest (and I truly mean she gave it a hell of an effort) to lure Handsome away from his very happy/very married lifestyle. (Believe me, once Handsome told me of her advances, I took swift action to ensure no more unwanted attention would take place.) I was sharpening my fingernails, ready to go for her eyes at a moment's notice. I hate women like that. But I took a small amount of pleasure in knowing she's scared shitless of me now. I even smiled sweetly at her. I'm a bad person. I know this, but I believe in harnessing my rage for mostly good endeavors, like protecting my marriage.

7. I could really get used to my best friend's tacos on Christmas Eve. For a Sicilian, she makes a damn good Tex-Mex buffet. Insert her wonderful family and her drag queen friend and you've got yourself a Merry little Christmas.

8. Handsome and I make it a priority to enjoy the Christmas tree lights from beneath the tree (if you know what I mean) every year. We finally accomplished our mission on Christmas Eve, before stacking all the useless, Ft. Knox secured, presents underneath from Santa. TMI, I know, but it's a lovely tradition of ours.

9. Next time, I won't let Darling hold on to any toys that make noise on a 4 hour cross-state car ride. Bad choice. (See #1)

10. I made no New Year's Resolutions this year. I'm holding out for Lent. The Catholic guilt is a very useful tool. So none of those lists from me until the Spring.

So, that was my (semi) Happy Holidays. Hope yours weren't as crazy.

6 comments:

Kansas Sity Sinic said...

Hilarious.

That song is so annyoing..

My little ponneeeeeeyyyy, my little ponneeyy.....

Donna said...

Well, there's one way to get MY attention: Just put a picture of a $2,000 Tucker saddle like I've always wanted at the top of your entry.

Heather J. said...

"I" noticed you were gone. :)

Here are my thoughts, in direct reference to your list.

#1 - I'd happily take girlie songs to get just a MINUTE break from the Star Wars and Indiana Jones theme songs ... and I USED TO like those shows!

#2 - hubby tried moonshine once ... never, never again

#3 - eew.

#4 - I totally agree.

#5-#7 - not much to add there ...

#8 - I think I want to start that tradition in MY house!

#9 - what WERE you thinking?!

#10 - guilt, every Catholic's last resource!

Happy New Year Moxie!

m.v. said...

sparkly cat shit- I reserve this for my future band name

Stacey K said...

I'm almost jealous. My youngest no longer wants to watch Barbie movies. Now it's tweener crap. Barbie beets tweener stuff any day.

Noisy toy on a long car trip??? you must have still been drunk from the wine.

- my mom used to give my kids LOTS and LOT of noisy toys. During the year my nephews lived with her I gave them all back. Revenge is sweet.

Nuke said...

Nothing beats a holiday puke story... unless its a stinky/sparkly cat poop story!

Welcome back, missed ya.