Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Baby Making Pressure

*If you're a guy or a single person who hates women talking about babies, stop right here. Come back later, I need to parentally vent. I don't want to torture you. Thanks, Moxie*

I understand when it comes from my mother or my husband.

I tolerate it when it comes from my MIL or well-meaning friends.

When it comes from my almost 4 yr old, Darling Daughter, I can't take it.

Scene: Last night at the Moxie Family Compound. Darling is swimming in her big green inflatable pool. She swims up to me, lounging in my post-work-I'm-finally-relaxing splendor and says:

Darling: K is my sister and M is my brother.

Me: No, they are your friends at preschool. I'm sorry but you don't have any brothers or sisters. Not yet. (I hastily add).

Darling: But I want some.

Me: Did Grandma tell you to say that?

Darling: What?

Me: Maybe someday.

Darling: I'll pray to God and the angels for a baby sister.

Me: (freaking!) Ok.

Here's the thing: I want another child. I can't believe Darling is almost 4 yrs old. Another child, if it's going to happen needs to happen soon. Handsome has been very supportive, no pressure. He understands I'm just not sure we're ready, financially or emotionally, for another child.

Darling's potty trained, mostly sleeps through the night. She's semi-self sufficient. I hate the idea of splitting my time as a working mom any more than it already is. I feel like it would be unfair to her (and being a stay at home mom is not an option).

At the same time, I hate the idea that she might grow up as an only child. I loved having 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Handsome is just as close with his 3 brothers and sister. Who's going to be there for her after Handsome and I are gone? There's no bond like a sibling bond. I want to give her that.

Conceiving Darling was a snap. First try and we were pregnant. About 2 years ago we thought we were ready and tried again. After about a year of monthly disappointments and bittersweet news of every woman around me (it seemed) getting pregnant, Handsome (more than me) and I decided to give it a rest for a while.

It was the best thing for my mental health. Nothing hinders either one of us physically from having another child according to the doctors, but I felt like such a failure. It was so easy the first time, we're both the oldest of 5 child families, why shouldn't I be pregnant with the snap of my fingers?

Now, 2 years later almost exactly from when we put the "trying" on hiatus, I'm feeling the pressure big time once again. Everyone around me seems to have big, expectant smiles and to be asking when the next one is coming.

Shut up already. Ok?!

I don't want to deal with it. About 6 months after we quit, our marriage hit a very rough spot and took a nasty skid that looked like we were going to crash into divorce. Things are so much better now, but I'm still really hesitant. Pregnancy, childbirth and infants can strain a marriage that's just now feeling really good again.

Darling's preschool is so expensive, the thought of paying infant care prices makes me cringe. Even when she goes to kindergarten, we'll be paying Catholic school tuition (thanks KCMO School District)(don't tell me to move to the suburbs or JOCO. I don't want to.)

I'm just depressed and upset today. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to set myself up for failure. All the crap like miscarriages and deformities and just every other possibility that didn't bother me when I was pregnant with Darling scares me now.

Sorry I'm so down.


The DLC said...

Your caveat was not needed-this is the kind of baby post that non-breeders (i.e., me) can appreciate.

For what it's worth, my friends who grew up as only children are some of the most well-adjusted, self-confident and motivated people I've ever met. You are not doing your kid a disservice if you decide not to go for it.

Hey There! I'm Amanda! said...

Hang in there, kid! It's all about timing. If it doesn't happen, no one ever died from being an only child. And for the love of God, don't move to JOCO to solve your problems. HA! Hope your week goes better.

Janet said...


Brigindo said...

Sorry. This is one of the hardest things out there. I think after we have one we are so much more aware of how they change things and stress things and yet bring such joy that there can be a lot of ambivalence around the timing of another child. The biological clock makes it worse and having disappointments on a monthly basis is no way to choose to live your life.

When I had Boy I assumed he would be followed with another. I had him young and it happened in an instance. But life was hard and I honestly believe a second would have broken me. Many years later b and I struggled with the idea but ultimately decided against it. As others have said, Boy is not suffering from a lack of siblings.

There is no right or wrong answer but the question can drive you crazy.

Xavier Onassis said...

This is my take...when it comes to reproduction, nobody's opinion counts except the woman's.

The husband doesn't get a vote, the kids don't get a vote, friends and relatives don't get a vote, and a bunch of old white guys with the power to pass laws don't get a vote either.

It is your body and you get to decide what goes on in there...no one else.

But hey, that's just me. Good luck to ya.

kcmeesha said...

my daughter was always against having siblings and I am pretty sure still is. I don't have a problem with that. what happens, happens. and I totally get the financial side, although if I was waiting to have enough money, I wouldn't even have this one. my x just didn't ask me and went ahead with it :-). turned out pretty good.

MoxieMamaKC said...

Thanks you guys...I have an incredibly patient husband and a great support system. I just freaked when Darling said she was going to *pray* for siblings. It kind of weirded me out/upset me. I'm sure she'll actually be fine if she turns out to be an only child. I just need to decide one way or the other.