Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Return of the Cougar....

I have no idea how I missed this incredible story, but apparently there must be a black market for taxidermied cougars. Or someone near Hickman Mills High School thought it would make a lovely accent piece in their living room. Seems that the Class of '79 wants their project back and offered a reward of $2000. The cougar, who "escaped" on Friday night, was mysteriously returned on Monday. All's well that ends well, no?

Nevertheless, it got me thinking....What would possess me to steal a taxidermied mammal indigenous to North America?

Top 10 Things I Would Do With a Taxidermied Cougar:
1. Take him for a bus ride on the Metro to see what all this public transportation fuss is all about. Find out his opinions on light rail.
2. Visit the Zoo and really freak out the animals.
3. Take him to the Sprint Center to watch the Basketball Tournament. See if anybody needs an impromptu mascot.
4. Send Polaroids of him to members of the Class of '79 and design a "treasure hunt" so they can find him. Each stop is a new clue.
5. Take him to visit the Plaza Bunnies. Pose him in threatening positions.
6. Sit him in Gloria Squitiro's chair at City Hall with a sign around his neck saying, "By proclamation of the Mayor, your 'volunteer services' are no longer needed."
7. Take him tailgating on Opening Day for the Royals. See how many drunk fairweather fans I can convince that he's the new mascot.
8. Build a float for the St. Patrick's Day Parade filled with screaming, fleeing leprachauns.
9. Sit him in my front yard and wait for the neighbor's evil yappy dog to keel over when he comes over to our yard to do his business.
10. Release him into the wild of Swope Park and let him live free (or wait until someone notices him.)

Sorry, some of these are even lamer than the others, I'm still sick . . .