Thursday, July 10, 2008

To Forgive Is Divine, but is it really human?

So, my BFF and I were discussing the relationship of one of our really close friends tonight. Said friend shall be named Wronged, because, well, she was.

Wronged's husband cheated on her 2 years ago with a girl, Horse Face, we'll call her, because, well, she is.

It was a 2 night stand that he promptly cut off once he tamed his "passion"/trouser snake. She continued to carry on a psycho-stalker obsession that I'm pretty sure he didn't encourage. (Who knows, really?)

Wronged found out about it about 6 months after it happened and confronted him. He confessed (eventually) and they are trying to work it out. Counseling, talking it through, all that...

Good for them. Sometimes I think people give up on marriages that could be salvaged too soon. Sometimes it's just best to walk the fuck away. I don't know what's the right thing to do, but I'm proud of them for trying.

So, BFF and I were talking. I've been with Handsome for 11.5+ years and she's been with her hubby, Tony Soprano (we'll call him that because, well, he looks like him) for going on 9 years. We both are Catholic, moderately spoiled wives. Neither Handsome or Tony is likely to cheat.

But what if? What would we do? Tear his balls off or forgive and try to forget?

Wronged has been having a really hard time lately. Only a VERY few of us know what happened and Horse Face is in the Circle of Friends. There's no escaping her without it being obvious/questions being asked.

I respect the self control Wronged has shown in not scratching the bitch's eyes out for this long, but as BFF and I agreed, how incredibly hard is it to keep up the facade so no one else can see the seething anger and resentment she must feel?

Wronged is focused on fixing her marriage but because of Horse Face's nonchalant attitude is unable to forgive her/move on.

BFF and I both agree the marriage relationship is the most important thing to mend, but BFF argues that Wronged should forgive Horse Face.

I say she owes Horse Face nothing so compassionate as forgiveness. If it was just a one time stupid drunken mistake, sure, forgive, move on.

But it wasn't.

For months, this "friend" of Wronged deliberately tried to re-seduce her husband.

Why forgive if there is no sense of remorse or desire for true forgiveness?

Maybe I'm just cold and evil. But, I just don't think Wronged should offer unearned forgiveness. This isn't very Christian of me. I know it's mean, but when there are children involved and you're supposedly friends, how could you cheat with someone else's husband and just not care? (Believe me, she doesn't care. It probably makes her feel powerful that she caused such a scene.)

Am I right or is BFF right?

I always think forgiveness should be given, but in this situation...I just don't know. I love my Wronged friend, and walking a mile in her hypothetical moccassins just makes me cringe.

What would you do?


Xavier Onassis said...

Been there.

Once that trust has been broken, it can never come back.

You cheat, you lose, you're gone. It's over.

Forgive them if that if what your faith demands or your heart needs. But the relationship is broken and it can never be fixed.

If they can betray your trust once, they can betray it again.

If you don't have trust as the core of your relationship, then all of the love in the world can't fix that.

Brigindo said...

Interesting post. I've had this conversation with b a few times. Either one of us cheating is about as far from imaginable as you can get but I like to believe, as you seem to, that if it were to happen our marriage would be strong enough to withstand it....with a whole lot of work and time. However b feels more like xavier about the subject.

I think a relationship, marriage or friendship, needs to be repaired before forgiveness can happen. I don't believe you can just forgive someone without working it out first. If someone isn't willing to work on the problem, as in the case with Horse Face, than true forgiveness can't happen.

kcmeesha said...

I agree with "can't be repaired". there is no way you can ever forget it,it will always eat at you even if you try to bury it, it will always be there. plus XO is an old wise man and a veteran of marriage so you have to go with what he says. also counseling, talking it out are really b.s.

Hey There! I'm Amanda! said...

Horse Face has no responsibility of honesty to Wronged. The cheater had vows and broke them. I agree with XO, too. Most couples I know don't come out of something like that unless they both have a cross to bear and they can call it even. Regardless, Wronged is justified in wanting to kick Horse Face squarely in the puss. But she needs to keep in mind always that it was her husband that stuck his penis where it shouldn't have gone. Have I said anything here??? Disregard this post. :o)