Monday, May 19, 2008

High Holy Rules of the Office Restroom

Today?! I'm "One Toke Over the Line". After 5+ years of working at my present job, I officially hit that point today. And it's all because of the uni-sex bathroom.

I work with 85 guys. That's why I avoid the uni-sex restroom. I know it will only disgust me/make me rage. (Unfortunately, sometimes the Women's restroom annoys me as well as you will soon see). Today I walk in there and not only is the seat up (GRRRR!) but there's a floater and no TP accompanying it. I almost puked. I still might, hard telling.

Everything in my world can be a mess....I'm not a neat freak in ANY sense of the word....however.....when you share a restroom with others, certain etiquette should apply:

1. Flush. Self explanatory.
2. Air Freshener. Pick it up. Use it. It's there for a reason. I don't want to smell your Taco Bell aftershocks down the hall and around the corner. I'm just saying it's a common courtesy. Don't make me shut my office door because that just makes me cranky.
3. The exhaust fan: You know if you need it. Do us all a favor and turn it on. See 2.

And that brings us to 4. The High Holy Rules of an Office Shit-Can: WHEN YOU USE THE LAST OF THE TOILET PAPER, PLEASE REPLACE!!!!!!
A. It's bad karma to use the last of the TP and not to replace the roll for the next person. You shall burn in hell for at least 10% of eternity for such unthoughtful behavior.

B. EVEN WORSE: Leaving 2 sheets (or less) on the roll, thinking, "Well, the next person will use and replace since I'm too lazy to go to the extra effort." You will be tortured for at least 26% of eternity each time you do this. You're not fooling anyone after you. No one in the Free World uses only 2 squares of toilet paper. No one. Not you, not me, not anybody! Go the extra 2 sheets and replace the damn roll!

C. Unwrapping a new roll and placing it on top of the empty roll that's still there. Wow, buddy, you just bought a one-way ticket to 85% of eternity in purgatory! You are ALMOST irredeemable as a human being. YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!!! Say hi to Satan as you're forced to clean "The Dirtiest Toilet in Scotland" ala "Trainspotting" with your toothbrush that you're expected to use afterwards.

Alright, enough of the poor condemned bastards stated above. Here's a damnation for all those who try really hard to obey all of the above: It's under, NOT over. This is a point of real debate among civilized people, but I'll give you my 2 main reasons why:

1. I have a 3 year old that it potty trained. If the roll of TP is placed "under" she has a lesser propensity of using too much. It just doesn't "flow" off the roll as easy.
2. The Cat Factor. I will never forget the day that Handsome and I returned home, walked into the bathroom and witnessed our cat (who died about a year ago, RIP) sitting in a virtual MOUND of toilet paper. She looked up at us and meowed in her bitchy little way, "Yeah, so what". I was a firm "OVER, not under" kind of girl until I had pets and children.

Thanks for reading my anal retentive rant. (No pun intended.) I am officially dedicating this blog to my husband who has the most fastidiously immaculate "bathroom habits" of any man I've ever known. In almost 11 years, I've never caught the seat up once.


kcmeesha said...

From what I've heard women can be just as gross. And as a man I would wanna puke just the same if I see someone else's crap floating in the toilet. I don't think it depends on the sex of the person. There is a rumor that one of my former female co-workers wrote on the wall of the bathroom with her own fecal matter. I tend to believe it, she was crazy.

trish said...

I liked your rant, but I hate to say I don't agree with the toilet paper under not over rule. Especially at the office your two reasons don't really apply. Says the person who will switch the toilet paper to roll over instead of under EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Hey There! I'm Amanda! said...

I don't think I could stomach a UNI bathroom at work. I can barely stand it at home. But at least I share DNA with those dirty little monkeys with no aim.

Anonymous said...

Workplace bathrooms can be awful! It always amazes me when people seem to have no respect for the fact that *other* people have to use the same restroom.
I'm definitely an "over, not under" kind of gal. BUT, my cat doesn't play with toilet paper and I don't have kids yet- I just might change my mind. :)