Monday, May 26, 2008

Jesus Don't Want Me For a Sunbeam

It's been the hardest 1.5 year I've ever had to deal with since I was raped 12+ years ago...

I was forced to go to church yesterday with my mother in law and my daughter. There was no getting out of it...

I didn't want to do it. But...I'm the kind of Catholic that REALLY thought about becoming a nun....I've ALWAYS identified myself as an American Roman Catholic....I even went to see JPII in St. Louis....my husband spent 6 years in a seminary before he dropped out, went to a Catholic college and married me...All the priests he ever knew thought I was a "Chalice Chipper" but whatev...he dropped out before I "defiled" him...

I've loved God and felt him thru many, many different and difficult things in my life. But, the last year or so...I feel empty...something happened that destroyed the faith that was one time SO STRONG...I've hit the proverbial "One Toke Over the Line" this time and honestly, Constant Reader...I kind of feel abandoned by God...if HE was always there, I wouldn't feel like THIS...I worry that the healthy questioning I felt before is turnng into something much deeper and worse...Something my soul doesn't like but the Aries/Taurus part of me thinks was a long time coming...

2 comments:

meesha.v said...

I have no idea what this feels like since I was never a believer and I don't trust all the "born again" BS. Hopefully you can find your way to deal with this that will put you at peace with the situation. People change religions and refuse religions in huge numbers, don't feel bad about it.

Sassy said...

When we first started dealing with infertility my faith took the hardest hit. I'm Wiccan, so much different to you, but I found it really hard to deal with what we were going through within the context of our beliefs. Three years later, I'm still struggling with it but I'm more relaxed about it than I was. I give us, and our beliefs more room to move on the issue.

What I'm trying to say, is that I know what it's like to lose faith. But if you hang in there, I think it's always possible to come back together again, given some space and understanding. It's not easy though and it's not a nice feeling in the meantime.