Friday, February 27, 2009

Retro Gag: Hot N Sour Shake Anyone?

This has been a crazy week in Mox-topia, so I wasn't able to dig through my personal retro-cookbook collection, but I did scour the Internet for even more fabulously horrid things you shouldn't feed your family.

First up (because I'm still having Jell-O issues):

Jellied Bouillon with Frankfurters

(originally posted by slash food from "500 Snacks: Bright Ideas for Entertaining (1941), Culinary Arts Institute"

What's most horrifying about this is the fact that my daughter LOVES hot dogs almost as much as her mother. She, however, prefers them cold, right out of the package. I'm guessing my picky eater would eat this. And that truly frightens me. Someone needs to explain to me WHY you should put hard-boiled eggs in Jell-O. I just don't get it.And I'm sorry, I don't want hot dogs with glamour. It's precocious.

Hot & Sour Shake

1. You need hot peppers (what kind doesn't matter), half a dozen cups of lemon juice, 1/2 a cup of hot sauce, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and a cup of milk.

2. Chop hot peppers before putting in blender.

3. Put ingredients in blender until smooth.


Should a milkshake really be spicy? I don't think so. Peppers and ice cream DON'T mix.

Sardine Eggs Recipe
Sardine Eggs Recipe with Boiled Eggs, Tin Sardines, Mayonnaise, Parsley & Anchovies.
6 Hard Boiled Eggs
1 Small Tin Sardines
2 tablespoons Mayonnaise
Parsley & Anchovies to garnish

Cut the Eggs in half and remove the Egg Yolks. Put the Egg Yolks through a fine sieve into a large bowl. Mash the Sardines well, and mix into the Egg Yolks with the Mayonnaise. Season to taste. Put the mixture into a piping bag with a rose nozzle. Pipe he mixture into the Egg Whites. Garnish each with a sprig of Parsley and Anchovy. Serves 6.
(Based on the Sardine Eggs recipe in: Simple Recipes by Joanna Percival (Albany Books / Debenhams Books 1978).

Sardines and Anchovies? No thank you. I only made the mistake of ordering a Caesar Salad once without specifying no dead fish on top. It was a horrifying experience and I haven't quite recovered.

Ketchup Macaroons

This is a recipe you simply have to see ALL the visuals on, but come right back.

Done? Ok. I know, right? UGH!

Cornichons(pickles, I googled it) and Ketchup do NOT belong in cookie form. This is not a true Retro-Recipe, but it's still pretty horrifying. The brightness of the red is most appalling.

I'm pretty sure this cookie was created simply because Europeans (I'm looking at you, FRANCE) sneer at our adorable American preference for putting ketchup on everything. Being from Kansas City, I've often wondered how Gates sauce would taste on chocolate cake, but that doesn't really matter does it? I was pregnant and that doesn't count.

So, anyway, I've ruined your appetite for the rest of the day. I'm sorry. Next week I'll really dig deep and bring you something fabulously horrid!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Completely Modest Proposal

I survived a rape when I was 19 years old, and I know how horrible that trauma is to overcome and live with.

If someone ever dared to do that to my 13 yr old daughter and then gloat about it in front of me, I'd have NO problem setting the son of a bitch on fire.

I don't really see a problem here, which is probably why my dad still doesn't know who my rapist is even though it was 13 years ago. I'm just saying...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Fat Tuesday Pancakes?

Today is Fat Tuesday (day before Ash Wednesday, start of Lent). Apparently you eat pancakes as a tradition on Fat Tuesday.

I'm a cradle Catholic and I've never heard of this.

Is it a regional thing? How have I missed this until now?

Growing up, we had a traditional feast of pizza, chocolate, chips and soda (the usual things we'd give up for the next 40 days and nights).

Oh well, who's a great excuse to make something super easy for dinner, and who doesn't love pancakes?

Here's a great link to a link filled with fabulous pancake recipes in case you're inspired to take the easy way out tonight, too.

I think I'll make chocolate chip and apple cinnamon fancy recipe, I'm sure you can figure it out with a box of Hungry Jack if you use your imagination.

Since it's the day before Lent starts, I guess I should figure out what I'm giving up/doing extra for the next 40 days. Thanks for the reminder, Logtar!

I guess I suck as an Obama Mama

I know Darling's only 4, but I took this Parenting Quiz: How do you stack up against Michelle and Barack?

Now I long for the carefree days of the "At least my daughter isn't getting wasted at frat parties" Bush era parenting.

Sure, Darling feeds/waters BullyKat, but I'm not sure she's ready for the litter box.

I can barely get her vegetable choices to stray outside of broccoli, califlower, french fries and lettuce, let alone organic carrots.

Considering the fact that Darling is a night owl like her Daddy, and we usually have to scrape her out of bed in the mornings, I'm not sure she'll be ready for an alarm clock in Kindergarten or falling asleep by 8 pm. But 8:30 is close, right?

I do read to her every night. She isn't ready for Harry Potter yet, but we read, damn it, there is HOPE !

Monday, February 23, 2009

Dollhouse? Anybody?

I've been a huge fan of Joss Whedon for years. Especially Buffy The Vampire Slayer (the show, not the crappy movie). I was REALLY looking forward to his new show Dollhouse.

Not only am I a huge Joss fan, I also LOVE Eliza Dushku.

This show, in theory, should rock my world...

There have been 2 episodes so far and I don't know what to think. I really want to like it, but it really hasn't caught me up yet. Maybe I just can't get into the idea of brainwashing a woman in order to make her be anything you want her to be. Plus, her handler isn't Anthony Stewart Head (Giles). Maybe I just need to keep watching in order for it to make sense.

Anyone else watching? Any thoughts?

Friday, February 20, 2009

New Weekly Feature: Retro Gag!

That's right, Constant Reader! Each week I'll scour the Internet and the 1970's cookbooks that I generously inherited from my grandmothers and other well-meaning little old ladies for the most gag-tastic recipes I can find.

As the mother of a picky eater, I'm constantly scouring recipes. I'm a recipe addict. I admit it. I love trying new recipes and Darling's tastes are a constantly moving target. I also have a fascination with Mad Men era advertising (The Golden Age of Advertising, if you will)

This week, as an homage to my lost Kool-Aid Gels, I bring you:

Things You Should NEVER mix with Jell-O....

I have never understood the 1950's and '60's housewife's fascination with Jello molds. I'm not talking mixing in a little Fruit Cocktail with your Jell-O, I'm talking about the all out everything and the kitchen sink approach to Jell-O.

Once my mother in law mixed shredded carrots and cabbage in orange Jell-O. I thought it was just par for the hideous course of her usual cooking.

Then I found these little gems. As a general rule, just because it CAN be suspended in Jell-O does NOT mean it SHOULD be suspended in Jell-O.

Olive's Technicolor Yak...

That's right. This lovely little snack has olives, onion, pepper, celery and VELVEETA suspended in light, refreshing lime flavored Jell-O. Serve that one to your kids and see what Wally and the Beaver have to say...

Garden Salad Ring

MMMM...Lemon Jell-O, eggs, cabbage, chives and radishes. I can't wait for seconds, Mom! This recipe is really keen!

"Because It's So Hard To Get Them to Eat Their Lima Beans and This Will Do the Trick" Mold

I'd personally throw this back at my mother. I have no words. Worcestershire and lima beans. Shudder.

Summer Picnic Food Poisoning De-Lite

I love potato salad in all of it's glorious forms, but this is one toke over the line for me. Cucumber, pepper, pimento and our friend Lemon Jell-O? No way in hell.

So there you have it. Do you like Retro Gag? Should I never do it again?

All of these little gems were scragged from the VERY awesome retro advertising site: Do What Now? Jim Dunn is a commentary genius and shares my nerd-tastic love of all arcane ads and reference to pop culture gone by.

Stay tuned (if your stomach can handle it.) Next week I'm either going to take on Betty Crocker circa 1970 (you saucy minx) or share some recipes from a cookbook circa 1850. We'll just have to see.

I would like to place my caveat here at the end that if you should dare try one of these recipes, you cannot hold me liable. Cook at your own risk. If you need great recipes, check out Dana, The Homesteading Housewife. Her recipes are always Moxie approved.

Sign of the times, my friends

Sadly, there is probably a market for these. Sigh. Check out the rest of Advergirl's cards here.



Thursday, February 19, 2009

No Pudding For YOU!

Guess there's no room for Kool-Aid Gels or Handi-Snacks Pudding in Kraft's culinary line up.

Those little pudding cups stopped many a Darling meltdown. We're a very busy family and no, I don't do a June Cleaver dinner every night when I come home from work. Sometimes I just need something quick so I can relax for an hour or so.

These snacks also fit nicely into my purse when we're rushing off somewhere and while they may not be the healthiest, they are very useful bribery as dessert. Darling especially liked the Strawberry Gels with a few grapes and the chocolate pudding.

Hell, I like them!

I guess now I have to switch brands, which I hate doing because I am a brand loyalist when it comes to certain things. Maybe I'm just resistant to change.

I guess I should really curse the economy.

Damn you, Economy, for taking away our delicious pudding cups!

I saw something completely different....

This started as a really long response to Meesha's post about the chimp picture and then I decided what the heck, I'll make it my own post.

I cannot see the racist implications, sorry Al Sharpton.

I agree with Meesha that the cartoonist put two news stories together to make commentary. (Sorry, but crazy chimpanzees gone wild always makes for a good lead story on the news).

I personally think George W. Bush looks more like a monkey than Obama. There is no way I would have put 2 and 2 together like that for it to equal racism.

My first reaction was to be worried for Emaw's safety...Hope you're ok, buddy!

My second reaction was that it actually reminded me of the one-act play "Words, Words, Words" by David Ives.

This play is based on the Infinite Monkey Theorem, which is, given enough time, monkeys caged in a room with typewriters will eventually come up with "Hamlet".

It's a crazy theory, but "Words..." is an awesome play. I saw it about 10 years ago and I still remember Milton, Swift and Kafka (the monkeys, not the writers, but I remember them too, I guess.)

When I saw the cartoon, I thought of Congress being the symbolic monkey typing away at something a lot of people see as gibberish, not our president. Congress wrote the bill, not Obama, so....? I don't get it.

What disturbs me most about this story is the fact that there was an automatic jump in some people's minds to Obama. Can we please move past racism in my lifetime? Just because we elected an African American president doesn't mean there aren't racists among us, but seriously, let's look for it and attack it where it really exists, not in this ridiculous cartoon.

Just for a second, let's just assume that it was about Obama.

First, assassination isn't funny. It just isn't. Knock it off, m'kay?

Secondly, let's say it was just a cartoon that painted Obama in a negative light. He's our president. A public figure. He's going to get criticized right or wrong. God Bless America for the freedom to criticize our public figures without worrying about being shot.

Every time he's criticized in the next 4-8 years, is there going to be someone crying "Racism!"? Because that's going to get old, really quick. It will end up hurting and not helping the cause of racial equality, so be a little more choosy about the battles you pick, Al.

(hopping off my soapbox....)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

This is why I drink Diet Coke...

I'm a huge fan of Advertising is Good For You. They have great commentary on a lot of campaigns. Then I saw this today.

I just about spit out my Diet Coke laughing.

Check out Lawrence Yang's site. I love it when artists see different things than the intended. That being said, I'm sure tons of research went into Pepsi's new design and hours of laborious focus groups, etc. Along comes some guy and he hilariously defaces it. I hope people don't do this to me. I'm sure they do.

Yang's art is awesome. Check it out. It makes me wish I had the money to buy beautiful, real art...


Monday, February 16, 2009

Hot Dogs vs. God

Guess what I just found out?

Opening Day for the Royals is on Good Friday this year.


You probably don't care if:

1. You don't like baseball and/or the Royals
2. You're not Catholic and don't understand the implications of this horror
3. You don't know what this has to do with hot dogs

I'll spell it out for you...

I'm a relatively somewhat practicing Catholic. One of the small things I can do as a sacrifice for Jesus' sacrifice is not eat meat for 6 Fridays of the year. I'm good at this. I can do it.

I'm also a rabid baseball fan. I don't care how much the Royals suck, Opening Day is a High Holy Day of Awesomeness in my family. My dad used to let us play hooky every year for Opening Day. My grandfather built a baseball field in the middle of his cornfield in the 1950's (Whatever, Kevin Costner!). I played for my college softball team. We sort of take baseball seriously.

Going to a baseball game = eating at least one or more hot dogs. I can't watch MLB without eating a hot dog. I simply can not do this. I have an unhealthy obsession with hot dogs from stadiums/vendor carts. I can't say no.

So, what am I going to do?! I know I'm going to the game (Thank you generous advertising outlets for giving me tickets since I spend so much money with you.)

Do I sin and have one anyway? It is my God-given, American right to enjoy hot dogs at a baseball game...

Do I call Bishop Finn and beg for a dispensation (Dude, he should already be all over this! If the Irish get it for St. Pat's, Royals fans should get it for Opening Day.)?

I can't eat meat on Good Friday of all days. That's the one day of the year (the day Jesus died on the cross for my atheist/Jewish/other non-Christian/heathen readers)Catholics simply cannot screw up on. I'd probably get struck by a bolt of lightning or something if I tried it.

Will it be a sin if I cheer for Mustard, Ketchup or Relish in the Hot Dog Race?

Do I duck if Slugger shoots a hot dog towards me?

How could the Royals screw up the one enjoyable day of fanhood (the only day they have a real chance of being above .500)?

The only good news?

God never said anything about beer.

The promise of overpriced beer and nachos help ease this pain...

God bless beer and fake cheese.

Out of the Blue Because I Love You Days

Handsome and I have a long standing rule about Valentine's Day:

DON'T you dare buy anything more than a card!

Handsome didn't take me seriously the first time I said this and that year I got flowers, dinner, a sparkly bracelet and a card.

I got him nothing but a card and a dirty look. He learned his lesson.

It's not that I hate Valentine's Day (Ok, I kind of do), it's just that giving gifts on "expected days" is dumb. I'd much rather receive flowers on a random Tuesday afternoon in a non-holiday/anniversary month. Surprise me, don't make me expect it.

Handsome's gotten very good at this. I usually get flowers twice-ish a year on random, out of the blue because I love you days.

In the spring I usually get tulips, daffodils and roses. In the fall, a bouquet similar to my wedding flowers (sunflowers, roses, chrysanthemums, wheat). He even always orders them from the florist who did our wedding. He's a romantic (much more than I am.) and he can't help himself.

He's a card-aholic and if he needs to be forgiven for something, or is feeling especially loving, he can find the perfect card that says exactly what he means. I think he has a secret "in" at Hallmark, I really do. As someone who grew up in a non-card giving family, it was a bit overwhelming at first to get cards all the time.

I do the same for him. He gets love notes taped to his steering wheel so he sees it first thing in the morning, or if I'm at the store and see something that I know he'd like, I'll get it for him as a surprise. I sneak "Break A Leg" cards into his bag on opening nights of his shows sometimes.

Unexpected gestures of love are awesome. Expecting things on Hallmark Holidays is not.

That's why I was particularly irritated to wake up this morning to my radio. There were women calling in complaining about how they hardly got anything for Valentine's Day. They always started: "We said we weren't going to do anything really big, but..."

Stop complaining. If you want something for Valentine's Day, specify. Otherwise, take your chances and get what you get.

If there is an overall lack of romance in the relationship, that's a much bigger problem than forgetting/underperforming on V-Day. Solve that and stop bitching.

I think there supposed to be a point to this post, but I'm pretty sure I've forgotten it.

For V-day this year, Darling, Handsome and I went shopping. The most exciting part of it was that it was Free Sample Day at Costco, which is always a big hit for Darling.

We spent the day as a family, cuddled on the couch, watching movies and eating homemade pizza (a family project since Darling is WAY into helping in the kitchen now). I think I lost the romantic nuances of "The Little Mermaid" after seeing it for the 925th time, but it's still a love story, right?

For me it was a fabulous day. For a change, I didn't have to work, Handsome wasn't running off to rehearsal and the three of us just spent family time. My 2 best lovies all weekend. It was wonderful.

Hope you had a great day too!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Who Doesn't Love a Clever Parody?

Sorry for not posting much this week, but it's been a bitch with a capital B.

I gave into my perfectionist, "I'm going to do all the things my mom never did" BS and actually made 30 homemade Valentines for Darling's class (NEVER, NEVER AGAIN, Psycho Moxie! JUST SAY NO TO CRAFTS!!!!)

Not only that, my adorable, fuel efficient, Ford Focus wagon (that won't be paid off until next year) was rear ended by a fucktard driving his sister-from-California's Navigator. You do the math on that one while I cry my eyes out, m'kay?

Then the corporate office geniuses that I work for screwed my paycheck up by almost $300. Just a mistake? It's the 5th time they made a mistake in the last year. I'm getting severely irritated.

The one shining ray of Happy, Happy this week is that my daughter got into the Big Girl School of Her Parents' Choice after some tense nail biting. My baby will be a Kindergartener next year. (pause for a weepy Mama bittersweet sob)

So yeah, there's lots of other stuff seasoned in with all this stuff, but I'll spare you.

I've been low on laughs this week until I found this parody of "American Pie" (the song, not the stupid movie) over at Of Cabbages and Kings. It made me happy. Go check it out. Pretty funny blogger...

Here's the genius...

The Day the PC Died


Just late last week or so
I can still remember how the Web, it used to make me smile
And I knew if I could log-on
I'd have readers saying, "blog on!"
And maybe they would Follow for a while
But I pushed the button, and I shivered
The silence, how it made me quiver
Virus, maybe malware?
The screen, it gave a blank stare
I can't remember if I cried
When I powered up and it just sighed
The loss, I felt it deep inside
The day the PC died


So, bye-bye Tweets from good Stephen Fry
Took my PC to the GeekSquad and they said they would try
While great new toys for Wii were waving goodbye, saying,
Chin up, dude, you're starting to cry
Chin up, dude, there's no need to cry


Do you hold PCs aloft?
And do you have faith in Microsoft
Because Bill Gates has told you so?
Do you believe in service fees
Can virus scans save our PCs?
And can you teach the clever tricks you know?
Well, I see that you charge by the hour
I found the rates there at the counter
It's so much cash to lose
But withdrawal makes me sing the blues
I am a lonely, Tweeting, blogging Stumbler
With my sleek workstation I made my fumble
Then I saw my Web world crumble
The day the PC died
I started singin'


Bye-bye Tweets from good Stephen Fry
Took my PC to the GeekSquad and they said they would try
While great new toys for Wii were waving goodbye, saying,
Chin up, dude, you're starting cry...
Chin up, dude, there's no need to cry...


Now for four days I've been on my own
I have a laptop, it's on loan
But it's just not the same to me
When I log-on, the apps don't know my name
And the forums they don't look the same
And my fingers tend to hit wrong keys
And while I waited for that phone call
To say it's fixed and here's the last bill
Trouble's new direction
Zapped my whole connection
Yes, seems some jerk in a Corvette Shark
Hit a power line outside our office park
We sang dirges in the dark
The day the PCs died
We were singin'


Bye-bye Tweets from good Stephen Fry
Took our PCs to the GeekSquad and they said they would try
While great new toys for Wii were waving goodbye, saying,
Chin up, dudes, you're starting to cry
Chin up, dudes, there's no need to cry

My computer is the last thing to explode this week....not that I'm asking for trouble on Friday the 13th or anything...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Happy 142nd Birthday, Laura!

It's the 142nd anniversay of Laura Ingalls Wilder's birth today! (I can always remember this because my aunt's birthday is the same day.)

Her books taught me how to read and she's still one of my favorite authors. I plan on taking Darling on the 6 site tour of all her homes when she's old enough to start reading the books. (History comes alive!)

You might remember me blogging about one of the Laura sites being sued. This still makes me angry.

Check out the website: Laura Ingalls Wilder: Frontier Girl. It's pretty cool!

Friday, February 6, 2009

No, Moxie! That's MY pot pie!

My daughter's cat, BullyKat, is an evil demon, but we keep him around because he's as sweet as sugar to Darling. He literally waits at the door for her to come in at night, he sleeps with her with a protective paw over her and never, ever scratches her no matter how she picks him up.

He's the devil to the rest of us ~ Handsome, FraidyKat and I. He scratches, chases and ignores us when we tell him to stop climbing the bookshelves (Little F'er broke one of my favorite vases I put up there to protect it from him.)

It's so bad that we've had to start feeding Fraidy in different locations because BullyKat would literally bitch slap him and bite him whenever he came near the food dish. Fraidy was losing weight and it wasn't good. BullyKat, meanwhile is only a year old and roughly the size of a barn (I exaggerate, more like an aluminum lawn mower shed, but whatever.)

So, we were at Hy-Vee last night to pick up a few things (Handsome's finally broken down and accepts that he has a hell of a cold that needs to be medicated). I wasn't particularly in the mood to cook, so I perused the frozen food meals aisle and lo and behold, what do I find but a dear, old friend of mine....

Nostalgia caused an impulse buy. I know they are horrible, so please don't lecture me on that...I haven't eaten a pot pie in probably 10 yrs but I loved them when I was a kid (and a poor, starving college kid).

I bought a few beef pot pies (They are only $2 for 3 at your local Kansas City area Hy-Vee!), took them home and threw them in the freezer (They are microwavable now! No more tinfoil pans! Times have changed! I wonder though if the cardboard pot pie dishes are still effective for making mud pies, which is what I used to use the old ones for. Do they bake in the sun as well? I don't know.)

Since I live about 3 minutes from my job, I go home for lunch today. I thought it would be lovely to enjoy my nostalgic pot pie at the picnic table in the backyard in this lovely 60+ weather.

I toss my pot pie in the microwave for 6 minutes, check my email, take the pot pie out of the microwave and leave it on the counter to cool while I answer the call of nature (and who really enjoys the roof of their mouth being burned?)

It's about a minute and a half kitchen/bathroom round trip, I'm efficient.

Upon reentering the kitchen, BullyKat is on the counter (I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS!!! AND SOMEDAY HE'LL BE STUPID ENOUGH TO DO IT WHEN I'M CLOSER TO THE KNIFE BLOCK!!!).

What's he doing?

Licking the top crust of my f'ing pot pie, THAT'S what!

He takes one look at me and darts for the laundry room and hides behind the washer where the little f'er knows I can't reach him.

After cursing him like the saltiest of sailors, I'm left with a dilemma.

I've got 2 back up pot pies in the freezer but I've already got one ready (though cat licked) on the counter.

I was quickly running out of I decide on a crust-ectomy, since most of it was safe in the microwavable (!) dish. (Shut up! I'm a mother and once you have kids, your gross-out factor depletes by multiple digits. 4 years of snot, puke, poop and pee will do that to you.)

Ever tried to cut the crust off a pot pie?

Not as simple as you think, but I managed it.

So, even though it was a lovely day, and I did indeed enjoy my topless pot pie outside, my sunny disposition has been ruined for the day.

Would you like to know what's for dinner tonight?

(Not my actual cat, this is someone else's photo, sorry, whoever you may be. The coloring is right, but remember, he's the size of the backyard shed. I'd need a bigger pot than that or maybe a broiler.)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I would walk 1,200 miles...for chocolate?

I was never a really big chocolate person (choco-holic?) until I had my daughter. I could take it or leave it, but being pregnant must have tripped something in my circuits. These days, I'm a bigger fan, but not in that "I'm going to kill someone if they don't give me chocolate NOW!!!" kind of way. (Those people scare me almost as much as crack addicts).

Americans apparently have a very long love affair with chocolate. Recently discovered artifacts conclude that ancient Americans in the New Mexico region were known to walk up to 1,200 miles to get chocolate (or cacoa) from Central America as early as 1000 BCE.

Wow. Would you walk that far for a Hershey Bar?

As one archeologist put it: "That's a long way to go for something that you don't need for survival, [something] that's more of a delicacy."

I have no idea why I find this fascinating, I just do. Maybe I'm craving Valentine's candy or chocolate Easter Bunnies early this year.

Monday, February 2, 2009

SO disappointing

I don't like football all that much, but I do watch the Superbowl simply for the commercials. It's like the Oscars of Advertising (Clios aside)

I was horribly disappointed...

At least Bruce Springsteen rocked.