My 69th Post...EXCELLENT!!!

Remember Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and how Bill/Ted from the future asked Bill/Ted from the past "What number am I thinking of?" "69, Dude!" I loved that movie when I was a kid. It's probably my main inspiration for getting a history degree. Maybe not, I don't know.

Any ol' who...My 69th post seems as good a time as any to start reflecting on why the hell I'm bothering with a blog. Maybe it's because I'm turning the Big Three One next Monday and I always get reflective around this time of year. (I'm a historian after all, that's what we do...)

I started this blog as a way to vent my inner voices. Whatever came to mind. No limits, no self-censoring, just a way to purge my thoughts.

I haven't told anybody, not even Handsome that I'm doing this. I had written a MySpace blog (shut up, Lame-O, I know) for about a year and enjoyed it, but found myself censoring myself all the time (Do I really want my cousin/Handsome's theatre friends/my co-workers to know my real opinion on stuff? Sometimes the answer was no since it could affect those around me.) So after 68 rambling posts, I'm trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing...

Do I have a theme I want to stick to?
Current events, politics, parenting, tarot, KC History? Most of my favorite blogs seem to have one...
Do I even need a theme?
Am I still self-censoring?
Is this a cheap way to get therapy?
Am I just searching for that creative writing itch I can't seem to scratch in my Marketing job? I know I missed writing for writing's sake...But is this REALLY writing?
Am I just finding a cheap facsimile for the editorial writing I missed from being a newspaper editor in high school/college?
Am I just looking for complete strangers to read my crap and comment, thereby stroking my ego like a sassy Siamese?
Am I looking to them for reassurance that what I care about matters to the bigger scheme of the world?
Maybe I'm just trying to be "trendy" since everyone seems to be blogging these days.
Am I chronicling stories that someday I'll want to remember to tell Darling?
Maybe this is all a form of thought bulimia...a way to purge...
Maybe I'm just trying to remind myself that I can write shit that matters beyond the ads that earn my daily bread...

Maybe it's all this shit rolled up in a tortilla, maybe it's none of it. Hell if I know...I guess maybe tagging my posts might be a good way to give me a sense of order...

By even posting this post, am I second-guessing myself in something that I wanted to do to give me confidence in myself/writing/life in general?

Shit. I ask myself WAY to many questions. I over analyze EVERYTHING...sigh.


PS. Dude, what else did you think the title of this post was referring to? Sicko!